Dr. Ruth Peters TODAY contributor • Profile • E-mail

Keeping the balance between “what’s okay” and “what’s convenient, appropriate, or too weird” is often tough to accomplish as a parent. Let’s say that your four-year-old daughter is with her father at a fast-food establishment and she has to go to the bathroom, and she means business when she says, “Right now!” No time for a quick run home. So is it okay for dad to take her into the men’s room, if there is no “family-friendly” bathroom? How about the sticky situation that develops when your six-year-old son’s best friend just happens to be a girl, and they want to have a sleepover at your house? How do you balance the kids’ needs and desires with concerns of safety and propriety? Let’s take a look at some of these close calls and how best to handle them.

When you gotta go, you gotta go!
Okay, its daddy-daughter time and the twosome are at their favorite fast-food joint having breakfast, letting mom sleep in for a change. All’s well until the kid announces that she’s got to pee, and from experience dad knows that he’s only got a few minutes to help her get the deed done before an accident occurs. As it’s a small place there isn’t a family-friendly (genderless) restroom, and he has to decide whether to send her in alone to the ladies’ room, or hope for the best and venture into the men’s room. When I first considered these options, my knee-jerk response was to do a quick fall-back to my normal stance — that safety comes first, always. In this case, it would be to opt for the parent being with the kid, taking her into the men’s room so that she could be supervised properly.

But then I began to think about urinals and the possibility of her viewing male genitalia belonging to strangers and I began to wonder if my safety consciousness was overriding good judgment. So, I performed a scientific poll. Well, it wasn’t really that scientific, but I did make a few quick phone calls. I spoke with five pediatrician friends — three female and two male, and asked for their thoughts. Interesting results, but please take into account that this was a quick, “what-would-you-suggest” kind of analysis. All five agreed that the little lady should be with her father in the men’s room, and that helping her to undress if need be and either standing in the stall with her or just in front of the closed door was the absolute best option.

In fact, the two guys noted that men stand in front of urinals in such a manner that their genitalia would not be easily exposed to the daughter if dad quickly herded her into a stall. The three female pediatricians focused also upon safety and having a parent or older sibling watching the youngster closely. To shorten time in the men’s room, one suggested, not having the child wash her hands there. Instead, dad could moisten some napkins in the water fountain and at least give the kid a quick hand wipe. Of course, she suggested that everyone should have a gallon or so of Purell in their glove compartment. That way a thorough germ-killing washing could then be accomplished in the car.

My initial thought was that this was appropriate until the age of nine years or so, and my very unscientific poll concurred. One pediatrician suggested until the children are 11, while others hovered around the ages of nine and 10. Their thoughts were that by the third, fourth, or fifth grades the child should be, depending upon her maturity level, safety-conscious enough to efficiently go into the ladies’ room, get the job accomplished, wash her hands, and leave without talking to anyone. Dad should remain right outside the main door to the bathroom (whether it is in the restaurant, mall, or movies) so there would be an immediate pick-up as she exited the restroom. Sound a bit paranoid and untrusting of the world. Yep… it is. But, when it comes to kids, safety is paramount.

Co-ed sleepovers?
It’s usually a no-brainer when your six-year-old son asks to have his best friend spend the night, right? Well, if his bud happens to be a girl, then the situation becomes a bit more complicated. I love it when boys and girls still accept each other as buds at this age — it’s sweet and suggests that these two kids are not yet tangled up in the gender-specific rules that often pervade, and tarnish, childhood. Now, if these two have been having sleepovers for years (perhaps she’s his cousin, or your best friend’s daughter), then you probably wouldn’t think twice about the appropriateness of the situation. Hopefully, they haven’t played doctor yet (which wouldn’t be out of the question, kids do get curious and fall into the “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” stage). And, if they have behaved themselves, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this arrangement. However, if this is your son’s first time requesting his girl-as-friend to spend the night, you may wish to consider making it a more “public” affair.

Only on TODAY.MSNBc.com! Dr. Ruth Peters addresses questions about how best to bring up children. LAST COLUMN: Can my little boy invite a girl for a sleepover? GO TO ALL PARENTING WEEKENDS COLUMNS

Consider some sleeping bags on the floor of the living room, perhaps letting them fall asleep in front of the TV. Don’t make a big issue out of the gender situation, just suggest that it would be more fun to camp out, eat some popcorn, and watch their favorite movie. If they have been best buds for a while, most likely you know the little lady very well and trust that they truly would behave themselves. Hey, they are six-year-olds and are not thinking about having sex. Get a grip and realize that it’s your mind that’s wandering into that murky area!

However, her folks would probably appreciate your concern about decorum and supervision. And if your child spends the night at their home, they would probably follow your lead. Now, if your eleven-year-old son makes a similar request, and this isn’t a girl whom he has grown up with as a best friend, I think that it would be a better idea if she came over for a play date, went to a parent-supervised movie, or participated in some other excursion. When kids begin to hit the tween stage, they need to accept the new, perhaps unnecessary but wise, limitations that become socially acceptable as they mature.

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