And the system worked well. I saw the family again the following week, and Joel brought along a log of the kids’ bad points. Noah, surprisingly, did slightly better than Adam. All of a sudden this 8-year-old, somewhat-hyper kid seemed to gain self-control of his legs, fingers, and tongue. Although he did push the limits and received six, seven or eight bad points a day, Noah received his rewards on six of the seven days! Joel kept his word and played catch, rode bikes, and went inline skating with him on the days that he stayed within his bad-point limit. Adam played cards most nights with Noah and hesitantly admitted that it was “almost fun.” Although Adam had lost two possessions (a CD and a video tape) to the Salvation Army for smacking his brother, he had otherwise shown considerable restraint by ignoring many of Noah’s taunts.

Joel was pleased with the boys’ progress but still concerned that they didn’t seem close with each other. I allayed some of his fears by telling him that most siblings fight (either verbally or physically) and many are not particularly close during the grade-school years. I implored Joel to focus on the positive — the toning down of the squabbles rather than the few eruptions that had occurred during the week. Also, the kids were beginning to play together more, and that was a good sign. Joel had little control over whether Noah and Adam would end up best buds in the future or not. That was their road to travel over the next several years, and their decision to make.

With maturity comes sensitivity, tolerance, and acceptance of others. As the boys grew I had no doubt that their interests would become more in tune with each other, that Noah would become less hyper and that they would develop greater common ground. Whether they become true friends is out of Joel’s hands, but at least he will no longer be allowing them to clobber and annoy each other at will. Noah and Adam would now have a chance to develop a friendship, no longer squabbling because of habit or lack of consequences.

Living the Law

Teach your kids communication skills. To best help your family with sibling squabbles, try to teach your children to communicate their complaints, gripes, and grumps about each other appropriately. To help avoid miscommunication, consider the following:

• Acknowledge the feelings that the kids are expressing.
• Help them to label feelings accurately.
• Teach them to create compromises or other actions that will resolve the problems.
• Set guidelines for future behavior when the conflict occurs again.

Be prepared to use a bad-point system. If the kids continue to be unreasonable and you see that miscommunication is not the problem, consider using a behavior management program. Include in your system loss of privileges and possessions as well as the ability to earn rewards.

Realize that sibling squabbles are normal. Most kids fight, tease, and even become aggressive with brothers or sisters.

Step in. If you’re allowing it, you’re encouraging it. Realize that if you let a lot of this nonsense go on, you are actually supporting the battles.

Don’t be consistently inconsistent. If you say that you will be giving a negative consequence for bickering, do it and don’t back down!

Don’t play judge and jury. Try to catch yourself asking the kids “Who started it?” It really doesn’t matter, and they probably will blame each other, so what’s the point? Just give all of the involved parties a bad point and move on! Of course, you should listen to real concerns and emotional meltdowns, but the daily sibling squabbles are a no-win situation. If you stay out of the way, many kids will either resolve the problem, learn to ignore the sibling annoyance, or decide to take some quiet time in their bedrooms.

Try not to compare the kids. Children are always on the lookout for your “favorite,” and even though you love them the same, you probably like different things about each of the kids. Try to compliment when deserved and direct constructive criticism to the action, not the child.

From “Laying Down the Law: The 25 Laws of Parenting to Keep Your Kids on Track, Out of Trouble, and (Pretty Much) Under Control,” by Dr. Ruth Peters. Copyright ©2002 by Dr. Ruth Peters. Excerpted by permission of Rodale. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

PLEASE NOTE: The information in this column should not be construed as providing specific psychological or medical advice, but rather to offer readers information to better understand the lives and health of themselves and their children. It is not intended to provide an alternative to professional treatment or to replace the services of a physician, psychiatrist or psychotherapist.

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