Love notes can create a tingle
Nobody in a loving relationship really needs to resort to hookers, though. It’s easy. “Start outside the bedroom,” Paget suggests. Two lines in a note left in a briefcase, a lunchbox or on a desk saying something like, “You are so hot. I love you very much,” can create a little tingle that lasts all day. It doesn’t have to mean sex later, it just creates a little sexy — and secure — feeling.

When speaking, start with one sentence, something as simple as letting him or her know how much he or she turns you on. “It does not have to be a description of body parts,” Paget says. “That’s what gives most people the heebie-jeebies. Guys, don’t tell her how fine an area of anatomy is!”

Also communicate by touching. “Most women are not aware of how powerful it is to just go in and hug a man,” Paget says. “I mean with that breast-squishing hug. It says to him, ‘She finds me appealing.’”

Eventually you may need to be very specific about sex. Paget suggests first asking yourself what it is you really want before you ask your lover. Vague answers like “more” or “better” aren’t too helpful. Don’t expect your lover to read between the lines. If you want oral, ask for it. If you want it harder, softer, faster, slower, ask.

If you want to try something brand new, “say, ‘Can I ask a big favor?’” Paget says. “‘May I have a special treat?’ That way you’re asking permission, making a request rather than a demand. Requests are heard, but demands are not.”

Strassberg and Paget both say good relationships mean better sex and better sex spills out into the relationship in one happy feedback loop. But both are dependent upon reciprocation.

“If people are open to doing something strictly for their partner, they know in the long run there will be payback,” Strassberg says. “Couples who have figured out how to do that for each other are very fortunate.”

Of course, as Strassberg says, asking does have a risk. You have to be willing to hear “no.”

But take that risk. “Millions of couples are capable of creating for themselves a much more satisfying sexual relationship if they are able to communicate with their partner about what works for them,” he says.

This is especially important for women. “In women, what works can be so different from woman to woman and even the same woman at different times," Strassberg says. "Ladies, don’t leave us poor schmucks trying to figure this out.”

Brian Alexander, a California-based freelance writer, is working on a new book about sex for Harmony, an imprint of Crown Publishing.

Sexploration appears every other Thursday.

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