Help! I'm not sexually attracted to my boyfriend
A 45-year-old woman is considering marrying the ‘perfect’ man, but their relationship lacks intimacy. Dr. Gail Saltz offers advice
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Q: I am 45, divorced, healthy, attractive and employed, but not exactly financially secure. I am dating a man who is the right guy for me for every reason except I don't feel sexually attracted to him. He's okay to look at, but not for sex. He wants to marry me and I know if I did I would be set financially. I am afraid if I don't marry him I'll never find a closer match. Any advice?
A: You say this man is right for you “for every reason,” yet nowhere do you use the word “love.” I would not end this relationship if in fact you do love him, but you must address the sexual issue.
Some people have a list of characteristics they require in a mate. This is fine when it includes things that are important — shared values and goals, having fun together, being supportive and emotionally engaged, etc.
You don’t mention any of those things. Is this man so right for you because you love him? Or because you love his money?
If you lack sexual attraction to him, you should first investigate whether one or both of you has a physical problem that can be treated. If you have a history of discomfort with sex, or cannot get turned on by anyone, you might have a sexual dysfunction. A certified sex therapist can help.
Similarly, if you have a problem as a couple — for example, he doesn’t know how to please you in bed — this can also be improved.
Then again, maybe you just have zero attraction to him. It is unusual for someone to have zero attraction to someone, and yet also to consider him as a marriage partner.
If you are willing to give up a romantic and sex life in exchange for financial security, sure, that is a choice you are free to make. But I suspect you will be miserable. What if he fell into financial misfortune? Your entire reason for marrying him would cease to exist. I have seen that money does not buy happiness even if it eases worry.
Women often remain in relationships because they fear they will never find anyone else — it’s this man or nobody. I don’t believe this is true. There are plenty of people who could make you happy.
On the other hand, there aren’t unlimited desirable suitors coming along every day, which is why you should first make sure there is not a treatable problem.
It sounds as though this is a good guy whom you like, but you should be more enthusiastic if you are considering marrying him. Marriage is different from every other relationship in your life. It’s a sexual and intimate liaison, and if you are starting off without romantic feelings, you might as well be roommates or pals.
Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: It’s a bad idea to marry someone you have no sexual interest in.
Dr. Gail Saltz is a psychiatrist with New York Presbyterian Hospital and a regular contributor to “Today.” Her latest book is “Anatomy of a Secret Life: The Psychology of Living a Lie,” by Dr. Gail Saltz. She is also the author of "Amazing You! Getting Smart About Your Private Parts," which helps parents deal with preschoolers' questions about sex and reproduction. Her first book, “Becoming Real: Overcoming the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back,” was published in 2004 by Riverhead Books. It is now available in a paperback version. For more information, you can visit her Web site, www.drgailsaltz.com.
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