Your child's firsts: Is he or she ready? Are you?

Getting to drive:
Taking the car out for a spin alone usually ranks high on teens’ wish list of firsts. It’s almost a rite of passage — getting the restricted license, then the driver’s license, and finally the day arrives when you let your daughter take the car to the convenience store all by herself. I can remember when my children began to drive, they seemed to have a newfound need for quick trips to the store to grab some binders for school, to visit a friend that just couldn’t wait until school the next day, or an offer to pick up fast food or anything that we needed at home.  After the novelty of driving wore off, though, it seemed like pulling teeth from a chicken to blast them out the door to run some errands!

Hopefully your child has logged many, many hours of driving with you, perhaps completed a driver’s education course at school or taken private lessons.  Nothing, and I repeat nothing, is as frightening as putting a 16- or 17-year-old behind the wheel, alone, for the first time.  How can you make it more comfortable for everyone?  Begin by taking baby steps and setting limits.  Allow the teen to drive only during daylight hours initially, and then only after you feel that they have had sufficient experience will you let them drive in the evening.  Check your community’s teen driving curfews carefully — most allow them to drive alone during the first year until 11 PM or so. Also, restrict the number of people that they can have in the car. Initially you may want to make the rule that they must drive alone so as not to be distracted, and can pick up friends only after they’ve had sufficient experience. Continue to ride, as a passenger, with your teen to evaluate if they tend to tail-gate, speed or are inattentive to the rules of the road. You should request that cell phone usage not be allowed at first, and you may even want the radio turned off to lessen distractions. Trust me, they’ll agree to anything, at first, if it means that they can get behind the wheel of a car! And, you also may want them to check out the American Auto Association’s website (www.AAA.com) –its chock full of suggestions for teen drivers and safety.

To help determine if your child is ready to begin driving, consider these issues:

• The child had to be showing adequate initiative, judgment and responsibility in major life areas in order to take the learner’s permit examination. This includes working to their potential in school, general politeness (let’s not get too carried away here!), none or very few behavioral problems at school, and a history of using decent age-appropriate judgment and honesty. Impulsivity, sneakiness and lying negate any discussion of attaining driving privileges. In other words, if you couldn’t trust their behavior in your home, how are they to be trusted behind the wheel of a car?
• Agreement to engage in either a school-based driver’s education class or one obtained privately. Since I’m a bit on the “you can never be too careful side”, my own kids took the school-based and the private driving courses. And, they had to chip in some cold cash to help defer the cost of the private lessons. (This also seemed to motivate their attention to Mario, the driving teacher, as their money was involved in his payment.)Agreement that plenty of practice driving was necessary within the year between receiving the learner’s permit and earning the actual license, and that an adequate level of driving skill, knowledge and reflexes would be necessary.
• Realization that just because the above conditions were met, that continued good judgment, grades and decent behavior would be necessary to be granted the privilege of taking the actual driving exam, leading to the “real license”.
• Understanding that earning a license in no way would mean instant access to a car. Begin by allowing each child to drive your car after school to run short errands, and gradually lengthen the amount of time as your comfort level increases. Every state has clear times of day and/or night, as well as curfews, when teens of varying ages are allowed to drive. In addition, teens in certain states have to be students enrolled in school as well as having achieved a certain grade point average to even apply for the license if under the age of 18 years.
• Acceptance of your driving rules: no friends in the car for the first two months. None, nada, don’t even think about it. Following that time period a friend may be allowed to drive with your child but you would need to be told who was going to be picked up, where they were going and would expect a phone call when they arrived. Cell phone usage while driving, although legal in many states, should be nixed except to call home or to answer your calls to them. If any fudging occurs (child is supposed to be at friend’s house but they were actually cruising the beach) then driving privileges would be curtailed.
• Any usage of substances (liquor, marijuana, or other drugs) while driving or at any other time means loss of the driver’s license. The car is a huge responsibility and a privilege…it is also a weapon when poor judgment, distraction by friends and loud music, or usage of substances are in the picture or in their lives.
• Recognition that they will be expected to contribute a reasonable amount of money toward insurance payments. The amount would vary with the school and work load, but part of this responsibility would be on their shoulders.
• Having free access to their own car is not a given. This will depend upon family finances, the teen’s needs and whether they basically deserved one or not. An additional car in the family is a huge expense that is not to be taken lightly. Too many kids expect, and receive, a vehicle on their 16^16th birthday as if it is a rite of passage. It’s not…it is to be earned by doing a good job during adolescence. That includes working hard at school, at a part-time job after school or on the weekends, involvement in clubs or sports, and showing a general respect for the family as a unit.

Getting to stay home alone:
Your child’s individual level of maturity and responsibility play a large part in determining when they can be left alone at home, and for what amount of time. I’ve met ten-year-olds who are more responsible than their teen-age sibs, and are therefore safer bets to remain at home without parental supervision. In addition, your community will most likely have ordinances or policies about the minimum legal unattended age so you’ll be wise to check on that.

In general, though, I believe that it can be safe for an eight- or nine-year-old to be allowed home alone while you quickly run to the convenience store (10 to 15 minutes or so) or to do a quick errand. That’s assuming that you have your cell phone with you for emergency contact, that the child can be trusted to stay inside the home without answering the door or letting friends in, and that the telephone has caller ID so that it’s answered only if he or she determines that it’s a family member calling. Otherwise the call should be allowed to go to the answering machine without the child picking up.

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Being home alone after school or during the summer for extended periods of time is a horse of a different color though. Consider setting up an arrangement with a neighbor to watch your kids as well as hers while you are at work, or to place your children in a day camp situation if this is possible. Unsupervised children tend to become bored when left alone, break house rules, leave the premises, let others in, or find their way onto the Internet when parents are not on patrol.

By the early teen years, though, many kids are responsible and mature enough to follow house rules and to be allowed to stay home alone after school or during the summer. But, know your individual child — impulsive kids often act before thinking and wind up in trouble. If you’re going to be worried while at work, it’s just not worth it. Even though Junior might love the freedom and flexibility of having the house to himself, if you can’t trust his judgment, don’t do it. It’s better to put up with some whining and complaining when you schedule him for yet another summer of day camps than to have to worry why he’s not answering the phone and you can’t leave work to check on him.

Getting to wear makeup or shaving legs:
It’s not unusual for girls in the fourth and fifth grades (10- and 11-year-olds) to show a distinct interest in wearing makeup and shaving their legs. Although most preschoolers love to play with Mom’s makeup as a form of “dress up” or to pretend shave with an empty razor, many begin to seriously push for these privileges in the later grade school years. Most parents, though, believe that middle school is the proper time for these grown-up behaviors to begin to be allowed, and many dramas have resulted when the kid’s desires conflict with the parent’s expectations. My suggestion to clients is to try to reach a compromise, based upon the average age that other girls in your child’s environment (school, church group, and neighborhood) are allowed to engage in these behaviors, your personal values and age when you first shaved or wore makeup to school, and the privileges allowed to your child’s intimate group of friends. It’s a tricky balance trying to allow your child to “fit in” with what her friends are allowed to do while at the same time staying within the boundaries of propriety. Personally I feel that shaving legs in fifth grade is reasonable, but be sure to warn your young lady that once she begins shaving it tends to be “forever”. And, it hurts! Band-Aids on the knee are less than attractive and she might wish to put this tedious chore off for several months or a year in order to avoid that inevitability. If you do allow the razor you may wish to purchase an electric model initially so that she doesn’t look like a pin cushion. Show her how to do a good job and consider this a bonding opportunity if nothing else!

Wearing makeup is somewhat trickier, though. Tweens and young teens have the tendency to want to wear gobs of blue eye shadow and bright lipstick. My clients have had the best luck when they’ve taken their daughters (often with a friend and her mother) for an application at the makeup counter in a department store. Make an appointment for the girls and suggest to the sales person that the more “natural” the look, the better. Toned-down shades are most appropriate and often a barely colored lip gloss does the trick! Have the expert discuss the concept of “less is more” when it comes to makeup for young ladies, as well as the importance of keeping their skin clean and not sharing products with others for hygienic reasons. Colored lip gloss and light shades of lipstick are often acceptable in grade school (if this does not conflict with school policy), but eye shadow and mascara should be saved for the later middle or high school years. And, your child should have to pay for these products herself — take advantage of this as a teachable moment—that adult-like privileges (makeup) come with adult-like responsibilities (hitting her own piggy-bank).

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