Sex, love and dating after 50

My friend the Zen Buddhist was always trying to get me to be more peaceful — which was usually a very hard thing for me to do. This time, however, I had signed up for the program. Bali was going to be different.

“Relaxing is going to be easy,” I say. “I think counting waves would be a fine activity for today. I’ve had my head down, eyes on the finish line for this book for a little too long. It’s got to be done by September, but I can see the end and I’m less nervous now.”

“Well, it looks like you have the perfect afternoon. Just remember you have your appointment for the four-hand massage at Antique Spa at four thirty. And I want a full report on what those two men actually do.”

I laugh at Dom’s alternate mothering and voyeurism. “Hey, Dom, if I ever forget I have an appointment for two guys to work on my body, just shoot me right then! Anyhow, I promise to reveal all over our sunset drink.”

Dom turns to me, sporting a mischievous grin. “And Pepper, please promise me you will tuck away your laptop, cell phone, and Blackberry and just unwind for a few hours, okay?”

I smile. Dom knows me well.

What next?
Here I am, a woman who has confidently experimented with romantic and sexual relationships over my lifetime. I am trying to think about what this stage of my life should be about. I have a blossoming relationship back home but it’s not clear if it is going to be serious, and I don’t want to exaggerate its importance. Maybe it’s time for an erotic adventure — and a Kuta cowboy could be just the ticket. On the other hand, I am at a point in my life where some adventures are not as interesting as they once were. And I know that if I don’t put some energy into this new relationship back home, it definitely won’t have much of a chance of surviving, much less attaining significance. I have a lot to think about.

I look up from my reverie. There is a handsome Asian man slowly approaching me. He does not appear to be a vendor. I check him out: short hair, tan shorts, white t-shirt, taller than me, warm brown eyes, trim body, gentle, unthreatening demeanor, beautiful bronze smooth skin, and a kind smile with pure white, perfectly chiseled straight teeth. This last detail indicates he is most likely a local since the Balinese have their teeth filled during a ceremony in adolescence. He is most definitely about half my age. Is this a Kuta cowboy approaching me?

The man strolls slowly by me in the direction of Gado Gado, the beachfront bistro behind me. I meet his gaze and I experience a response that is pure Bali. He smiles broadly and sweetly. I feel a bit of internal warmth flow through me. I like being looked at by this attractive young man. When you are over fifty, it is a pleasure to not feel ignored. Another pleasure: He welcomes my gaze. Neither of us feels self-conscious. It’s only a moment, but those are the moments that make you feel sensual and alive. I cast my eyes back to my guidebook. Much as I have enjoyed this quick interaction, I do not want to give the man — Kuta cowboy or not —any indication that I am in the market for company. He walks by.

I have more important things to do right now than initiate a vacation affair. I have come to this island to take stock of my life. For me, that means thinking about love and sexuality. I want to take control of my future. I feel that I am in the prime of my life, a special time when experience, self-knowledge, and sexual maturity have created an outer patina and an inner confidence that I want to use well. I want to make good decisions about my emotional and physical needs during this phase of my life. Time is precious and I am going to use it to figure out what my past has taught me and what I need for my future.

Excerpted from "Prime: Adventures and Advice on Sex, Love, and the Sensual Years" by Dr.Pepper Schwartz. Copyright 2007 by Dr. Pepper Schwartz.  Published by HarperCollins. No part of this excerpt can be used without permission of the publisher.

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