Return to work not easy for stay-at-home dads
Victor Gonzalez of Marietta, Georgia, wrote:
“I’m 41 and had been an at-home-dad for the last 8 years. When we got married both of us had very successful careers. When our daughter came along in 1999 we decided that the best for her and our family was for me to stay at home with her.
“Now that my daughter is more independent I am looking to go back to work, first on a part-time basis. Well, forget it. There is no way that anyone understands that a man can take time off his professional career to take care of the little ones.
“While indeed it’s extremely tough for women to get back to work after a long time away, it gets even tougher for a man to do the same. Society has unwritten rules for dads that decide that their family is more important than corporate America.”
It does, agrees Scott Haltzman, MD Clinical Assistant Professor, Brown University Department of Psychiatry and Human Behavior.
“How does the workplace view a man that takes time off of his career to raise children? They tend to look at him as not having the kind of drive or seriousness of purpose that they would want in leadership positions,” he says about what he sees as a pervasive stereotype.
And a double whammy for stay-at-home dads when they return to work, is they usually have little support at the office or plant because there are rarely dads who made a similar choice to commiserate with.
“It’s so important for men to have the support of other men, to receive the validation they need to make tough choices. Men get that support from men’s groups where men get the fathering, the wisdom and the tough love they need to make unpopular decisions,” says Wayne Levine, a clinical psychologist and founding director of BetterMen.org
“They’re in an identity vacuum,” adds Haltzman, “because the workplace doesn’t have anything to guide them when they show up at the doorstep saying, ‘I’m ready to get back to work.’”
Despite the challenges, Haltzman suggests men hold their heads up high when they return to work instead of feeling sheepish or embarrassed of his choice: “He needs to be able to paint it in the most positive light.”
You don’t need to go through a litany of all the diapers you changed, he advises, just keep a positive mental attitude and have a sense of pride and purpose of what you did. Make no excuses.
Unfortunately, a lot of you stay-at-home pops are in uncharted waters.
Todd Findley from Fort Wayne, Indiana, wonders if he’ll be able to figure it out:
“I am a 37 year old stay-at-home dad. I was a public school teacher for 5 years before my wife and I decided that it was better for me to stay at home with our three boys. As a teacher, I was not paid very well. However, my wife is a computer programmer who gets paid enough to allow me not to work. In the short-run, this is a great arrangement.”
“However, once all of our boys are in school full time (our youngest is 2), I am going to want to reenter the workforce. Will there be difficulty for me as a man like there is for the former stay-at-home moms? There hasn’t been much research done on this. I think that guys of my generation will be the guinea pigs on this experiment.”
Sometimes being a guinea pig can play in your favor.
“Whenever you’re breaking out of normal roles you always have the burden of proof, just like women in the 1950s trying to become surgeons and pilots,” explains Warren Farrell, author of “Why Men Earn More” and “Father and Child Reunion.” “But pattern-breakers are people who have more courage, communication skills and creativity.”
That’s how you want to spin your decision when you get to the coveted job interview. Farrell says dads should make it clear they did not break the pattern to escape work; and that they are now very happy and ready to come back.
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And as with stay-at-home moms, opting out altogether is probably a bad idea when it comes to your future career. You need to keep your skills up, keep up on technology, take night courses, volunteer, or work part time to keep your work receptors stimulated. Also, keep abreast of the job market in your town, and keep networking, even have lunch with former colleagues to keep on foot in the door.
“When you come back and have a job interview you’ll know what’s going on out there,” explains mrdad.com’s Brott. “If you just focus on child rearing you’re in trouble.”
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