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These days, sex is no longer a taboo subject. But still, misconceptions about sex persist, often causing unecessary misunderstandings in relationships. Time to clear things up! Ian Kerner, author of several books including “She Comes First,” and iVillage sex expert Tracey Cox, duke out 7 of the most common sex myths.
Men want more sex than women do
Tracey: Wrong. The reason why men tend to be the ones hopefully prodding their penises into our determinedly turned backs, isn't just only desire. Other factors have a big influence. Like we're still more likely to do the housework on top of holding down a job: result — we're exhausted. Hormones mean we feel like having lots of sex at a particular time, rather than all of the time, and because we tend to attach more emotions to sex than men do, we aren't going to be begging him for a legover if he's been giving us lip.
Ian: The idea that men want sex more than woman is absolutely a myth. As a sex therapist, the main issue I work on is mismatched libido, and believe it or not I meet way more sex-starved wives than husbands. In fact, a recent study in the British publication the “New Scientists” has revealed that married men have lower levels of testosterone than single men of the same age. So while I certainly wouldn't say that men want sex more than women, I would say that men are often able to get aroused more quickly and sexually ready than women. For women, a sexy thought or a sexy image doesn't always translate into desire, but for men the process often happens more quickly.
If you're truly a great lover, you should know how to please anyone
Tracey: It's extremely likely that someone who knows a lot about sex and has had lots of practice is going to be better in bed than an inexperienced virgin. Technically, that is. If that inexperienced virgin is someone you're desperately in lust/love with, has the body of a sex god and a tongue that's double-jointed, it might be the best sex you've ever had. It's as much do to with perception and the brain than it is technique and the genitals.
If there's one quality a truly great lover would have (along with good technique an exemplary communication of course) it's the ability to treat every single partner as an individual. What works for Michael might not work for Mark.
Ian: I would generally agree, but I would say that from the first kiss to the final cuddle a little experience goes a long way. I lecture at a lot of universities, and I meet a lot of guys who don't have even a basic understanding of female anatomy. (They know more about what's under the hood of a car than the hood of a clitoris.) Too many guys get their ideas about how to satisfy a woman from porn or tall tales from the locker room. Great sex and valuable experience comes from the ability to communicate and a willingness to always be learning. Great sex is also part of a process of being able to lose yourself in the experience, let go of anxiety and really dedicate yourself to giving and receiving.
Happy couples have good sex most of the time
Tracey: Show me a couple who is having out-of-control, raging, lusty sex every night after years of sharing the same bed and I'll show you a couple with very big noses. Aka Pinocchio. It's possible, sure, but you'd be flat-out holding down a job with the amount of energy it would take to sustain it. Life and all its pressures get in the way of all of us. What's realistic to aim for is this — out of every 10 times you have sex, six will be satisfactory, two will be fantastic — and two will be not so great. Why are the not-so-great ones important? Because that means you're trying new things which sometimes don't work out — or having sex when one of you isn't necessarily climbing the walls. Which occasionally is not a bad thing.
So, does it mean your friend is lying if she claims that she's having fabulous sex after five years of marriage and two kids? Well, she may think you have a great sex life and doesn't want to admit she doesn't. Or her definition of great sex is different than yours. Or she really does have terrific sex — once a month. It's all subjective.
Ian: Agreed. Good sex is in the mind of the beholder. In my experience, there are often two sexual types: "thrill-seekers" and "creatures of habit." The former always wants more, more, more, and new and different experiments. The creatures of habit likes things the way they are: in a bed for example, a few reliable moves that lead to mutual satisfaction. The best relationships are when thrill-seekers are paired with thrill seekers and creatures of habit are paired with creatures of habit. It helps when you're both generally at the same end of the spectrum. Not to say that a little difference doesn't make for a healthy sex life, but bigger problems emerge when your general idea and experience of good sex is different than your partner's.
Men sleep around more than women do
Tracey: The real truth is, this one is probably true — but by much less so than you think. Men overestimate, women underestimate. Men consistently report having three times more sex than women do. If that's true there's an awfully busy woman out there! A recent study found women only tend to remember significant lovers, who were part of relationships, forgetting (somewhat conveniently) one-night-stands or holiday flings. The real total of how many men women have really slept with, this researcher suggested, was about three times more than women say or think. Which works out, funnily enough, to make both sexes dead even.
It's also totally dependent on how attractive the people in question are. A good-looking, sexually liberated woman is likely to have had more partners than a not-so-fab looking guy around the same age, for instance. It's called opportunity.
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Ian: Heterosexual women are more likely than their male counterparts to contract an STD, so this may be one factor in why a woman's "number" generally tends to be lower than a guy's. But also, guys get freaked out if they know that a woman has had more partners than they have, so most women tend to approach the whole conversation about their "number" with greater caution. Also, for all our viewings of “Sex and the City,” some traditional gender stereotypes still get applied to the sexes: A guy who pursues lots of partners is just being a guy, whereas a woman often gets labeled promiscuous. In general, in my conversations with men and women I find that both sexes are starting to rebel against the pressures to have casual sex by holding out and being more discerning. Let's also remember that sleeping around doesn't just apply to single people, and that rates of female infidelity are fast catching up with the guys.
You shouldn't have to plan sex — it should be spontaneous or something's wrong
Tracey: God help your partner if you believe this one. Desire might well tap you on the shoulder in the early stages of a relationship, but the hormones that fuel the tapping disappear after about 18 months. Well, if you're lucky actually — plenty of couples find desire lowers dramatically after about nine months. Don't panic — it doesn't mean you'll never desire each other again. It just means that you need to keep reminding your body and brain how much you enjoy sex. Spontaneous sex is usually good sex. But planning a sex session — anticipating it, looking forward to it — this makes for pretty good sex as well. Both can be equally rewarding.
Anyone who expects to be spontaneously turned on by their partner 10 years and two kids in, really is kidding themselves. The human nervous system is programmed to become desensitized the more of the same stimulation it gets. Considering most of us have sex in exactly the same way and it's with the same person, it's no wonder we have to put a bit of thought into it to keep sex good.
Ian: There's definitely value in scheduling sex, and doing it just to do it. But if you're already in a rut, it's likely this scheduled activity may just add to the pressure. Instead of scheduling sex, try finding lots of small pockets of time to connect and engage. Think of these moments as quickies without the pressure to have a sex: have a kissing quickie, a touching quickie, a cuddle quickie, even a talking quickie. By having lots of little intimate interactions, you'll build a bank account of "transferable desire" and you won't have to schedule sex.
If my partner had an affair, it means he or she doesn't love me
Tracey: Wrong again. It doesn't necessarily mean your partner doesn't love you — but it does mean he or she doesn't respect you if you had agreed to be monogamous. While some affairs do mean something is missing from your relationship, a lot of affairs are just about sex. A certain kind of sex. Sex on the sly, a bit on the side — even the names give it away that it's the affair that's the turn-on, not the person. Most research shows the minute an affair is out in the open, it fizzles out fast. It's the secrecy which makes the affair exciting, not the person.
If you're the type of person whose moral values mean you don't see extramarital sex as something wrong, you could easily have affairs and still love your partner.
Ian: Sexual attraction isn't always just about love. It's about passion, unpredictability and spontaneity — qualities that are hard to maintain in a long-term relationship, but that can be found quickly through infidelity. I can't tell you how many men and women I meet who had an affair, left their spouses, married the person they were cheating with and then got bored and had the very same issue all over again. We have to understand that love and sexual attraction do not necessarily go together, and sometimes work against each other. In the end, human beings require newness, novelty, intellectual and emotional engagement. That's what fuels the expansion and development of a relationship and when those qualities start to wane people start to think about how to get it elsewhere. When it comes to thinking about sex, throw the idea of love out the window and focus on the qualities that can really get your sex life (and your relationship) back on track.
Men are always ready for and want sex.
Tracey: If you're talking about a 17-year-old who's just landed his first girlfriend, you're quite right. It's likely he will walk, talk, daydream and want to have sex every waking second (and when he's asleep as well). But once a man hits his mid-20s (and often before), other parts of his life start to become equally as important and all that energy and focus is needed elsewhere. Real life dampens a lot of men's sex drives more efficiently than a bucket of water poured over a solitary lit match. Work, stress, pressure, bills, arguments — they all stop him (and you!) feeling like sex, all day, every day. He's not like your vibrator — you can't just plug him in and expect him to perform on cue. This is why we own vibrators. There is a man attached to that penis.
Ian: Hold on, Tracey! As a guy who's teenage years and 20s are long behind him, I'm not ready to throw my sex life out with the bathwater — at the heart of feeling sexual is being happy, healthy and engaged with life. Not only do I believe in monogamy, I believe that men and women remain sexual until the day they die. Maybe the parts start to get a little creaky, but the mind remains ready for action. And when you consider that the brain really is our biggest sex organ, age becomes less important. There are lots of dampers to desire: stress, poor health, boredom — but if you focus on removing those obstacles, you'll find that wanting and being ready for sex is a natural healthy state.
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