If it didn’t work last year, try something new
Sure, most of the parenting books suggest using time-out, limiting television or other electronics, or grounding for inappropriate behavior. Generally these consequences work and change the child’s behavior, but what do you do if your child is particularly ornery, or just doesn’t care about TV, music, clothing or the typical things that motivate all your friends’ kids?

Well, you need to get smart, to think outside of the box, and to try something new. First, take a gander at what’s up with the child’s bedroom. Favorite possessions or activities are usually found in the bedroom, and you may be able to discern a pattern of priority from checking out what’s posted on the walls or stacked on the desk. I’ve learned that every kid is different and that there are always motivators that they will work for (in terms of earning more, or not wanting to lose what they already possess).

Some of the more unusual motivators that I’ve used with my clients are earning: military memorabilia (medals, patches, ribbons), completing a chemistry set project or electronics project, accumulating flip-flop sandals in all of the colors, belt buckles, classic rock 'n' roll albums, hermit crabs and hermit crab accessories, nail polish in assorted colors, arts and crafts materials (Popsicle sticks and glitter glue are favorites), tickets to concerts, picking the restaurant for the family to go to dinner, renting a DVD or video game, extra time up at night or on the computer, sleeping in the living room, camping in the backyard, making Dad play Barbies, Mom go paintballing, wearing the same outfit to school five days in a row (go figure!) and the list goes on and on. I once had a kid who wanted to earn figs. Yes, figs. The kid couldn’t stand chocolate, but he wanted dried fruit and was willing to try to control his temper if figs were in the future.

Also, consider the negative consequences that you’re employing. Ten minutes in bedroom time-out is generally a waste of time, but a half hour in a safe, boring spot (empty hallway, safe bathroom, utility room with no chemicals or dangerous objects) generally will get the kid’s attention. Of course, electronics are huge motivators, but be sure that if you take them away as consequences that the child can’t sneak usage.

Focus upon teaching compassion and gratitude as you would math and reading
Sure, a 1600 on the SAT sounds terrific, but does the kid care about other people? An IQ of 135 is nice, but it’s the EQ (emotional quotient) that really counts when it comes to making it as an adult in the work force, relating successfully with a spouse and raising one’s own children appropriately. Yes, homework needs to be completed, and academic gaps should be filled. We all want our children to be bright and literate and to achieve to their capacity in the academic setting. But how about in their hearts, souls and value systems?

Take some time with them to discuss right from wrong, how it feels to be in someone else’s shoes, why people make the decisions they do and the consequences (good and bad) that result. Let this be the year that your children remember the family volunteering and giving back to the community. Consider working some Sundays at the soup kitchen, visiting, reading to or playing games with the residents at a nursing home, helping out at Habitat for Humanity, having a garage sale and donating the profits to a favorite charity or local event, or helping out at the pet shelter. And, please don’t just drop off the kids as they do their service hours — join in. Donate your time, your caring, and perhaps some money if possible. The kids have recently received gifts for the holidays, let’s take the next 12 months to promote giving, not getting.

Hopefully you’ll be able to incorporate some of these ideas into your New Year’s resolutions …trust me, they work!

More from TODAY David Duchovny not alone in sex addiction Help! My 'Cinderella' ran off, left the family   Spy movie inspires ‘Runway’ designers Transition your summer wardrobe to fall Kids bored with breakfast? Get creative Closet eater shapes up, loses 100 pounds Makeover!  New look for cancer-free life   Week in pictures  | More photos

Dr. Ruth Peters is a clinical psychologist and regular contributor to “Today.” For more information, you can visit her Web site at www.ruthpeters.com. Copyright ©2007 by Ruth A. Peters, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

PLEASE NOTE: The information in this column should not be construed as providing specific psychological or medical advice, but rather to offer readers information to better understand the lives and health of themselves and their children. It is not intended to provide an alternative to professional treatment or to replace the services of a physician, psychiatrist or psychotherapist.

MORE FROM FAMILY TIME

Family Time Section Front

Help your kids stop the summer brain drain Raising your kids: 5 tactics that really work! Suffer from Sunday night stress? How to deal Parents can help kids deal with mean peers Teaching kids what being 'attractive' means Give your child more freedom this summer Your child's firsts: Is he or she ready? Are you? How to make sure latchkey kids are safe Difficult discussions to have before school When is my teen really ready to drive? Family Time Section Front   Add Family Time headlines to your news reader: