5:17 p.m. PST
OK, I never got totally caught up with E’s red carpet coverage.

It’s time for the show....

Oh, so now the show does its own red carpet stuff, too.

But it’s official. And therefore boring. And therefore I am taking a bathroom break even though it’s not the commercial.

4:56 p.m. PST
Tilda Swinton is wearing the most amazing Hefty bag. She is the hottest man on the red carpet.

4:55 p.m. PST
My milkshake is so delicious. It is the perfect vanilla.

Now I’m looking at Marion Cotillard’s mermaid fish-scale dress. It may not be tuna with good taste but it tastes good. The dress, not my milkshake, which I’ve already noted is delicious.

4:51 p.m. PST
There’s Miley Ray Cyrus on the red carpet with Mom.

Just heard a great rumor from an industry-ish person at this party.

Apparently the mom-ager keeps her on a really short leash and Little Hannah M went out and bought a purse that was too expensive and then lost her cell-phone privileges as punishment.

Listening, Lynn Spears?

I hope that’s a true story. If it’s not then I want it to be.

4:43 p.m. PST
GARY BUSEY IN FOR THE WIN!!!

He just interrupted Laura Linney and Jennifer Garner talking to Seacrest. Then Linney explained the existence Busey to Garner. NOW BUSEY IS KISSING THE LADIES! Garner just called him “this man.”

THIS IS AWESOME FROM AWESOME TOWN!

4:39 p.m. PST
Seacrest just took Amy Adams’ purse and rubbed it on his junk. Now she doesn’t want it anymore.

He goes in for the save, though, by whipping out his collection of “Enchanted” dolls. He’s already accosted Patrick Dempsey with one. Now he’s holding it up for Amy Adams’ inspection. Guess what, Seacrest? She’s probably already seen one before. And she’s probably not carrying her own Sharpie to autograph yours, son.

4:34 p.m. PST
The Rock has arrived dateless, looking to hook up...

4:30 p.m. PST
Seacrest just told Patrick Dempsey how blue his eyes are...

And here comes John Travolta to talk to Seacrest. Don’t touch him, Seacrest, because he’ll go all “Wild Hogs” on you and punch you in the face.

4:27 p.m. PST
Why isn’t Tara Reid here? Wouldn’t it be better if Taradise were hosting the red carpet instead of Seacrest? It would, wouldn’t it? I’m right about this. 

She’d be jumping up and down blowing a whistle, bouncing around, thinking she was at a rave in Nice on Roberto Cavalli’s yacht instead of standing under a rain tarp on Hollywood Boulevard. She’d be her own party.

4:20 p.m. PST
WOW LOOK AT JOHN TRAVOLTA. They still make that spray-on hair.

Welcome to the live blog: 4:15 p.m. PST
I know it’s probably already a cliché but I’m at a milkshake-themed Oscar party this year. And mine is going to be vanilla. I really like the vanilla ones.  Chocolate’s OK but they’re never quite chocolatey enough, you know?

The party I’m at is here in the entertainment capital of the entire galaxy, except not. I’m in the Valley. Which suits me fine. I actually live on the side of the city where all the antics are going down right now, but thankfully I’m nowhere near any of it. Instead I’m catching up with the E! pre-show Ryan Seacrest dumb-a-thon with TiVo while I wait for my milkshake to be delivered by the friend who’s manning the blenders. Anyway, I’m thankful because:

Reason 1: Kimora Lee Simmons is over on the other side of the hill right now talking nonsense about how Heidi Klum’s insanely perfect Galliano gown doesn’t match her hot pink purse. This is a woman who couldn’t keep a job judging modeling contestants on “America’s Next Top Model” and she presumes to tell Heidi Klum, the woman who is the total boss of Seal, Tim Gunn and all of NBC/ Universal/Bravo, how to dress?

Reason 2: Seacrest trying to get all “industry” with George Clooney by going down the “let’s get serious and talk about the strike” road.

But that’s about it. I like everything else, especially the way people in the background stop and stare right into the camera when Seacrest talks to someone famous. IT’S SO AMAZING TO ENJOY THE BACK OF GEORGE CLOONEY’S HEAD WHILE HE CHATS WITH RYAN SEACREST!

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