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Ariane de Bonvoisin, author and founder of First30Days, has worked on helping people deal with any and every change. Her book aims to help readers get through transitions, big and small. An excerpt from "The First 30 Days: Your Guide to Any Life Change (and Loving Your Life More)."
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Chapter 1
Change Your View of Change: Beliefs can make all the difference
Principle 1: People who navigate change successfully have positive beliefs
Your biggest need right now is to develop new beliefs: about yourself, about this change and about life in general. Nothing will have a bigger impact on the way you move through change.
What you believe about change — and about yourself — will be the major filter for how you get through your current transition, whether you’re in day one, day thirty, or years past the start of the change. A belief is something you think is true. It can be very strongly engrained, like a conviction; or weaker, like something you happen to think is correct. This means that if you believe that change is difficult and terrible, you will likely have a difficult and terrible time. The beliefs you have about who you are also directly affect how you feel during change. Are you strong and capable, or unsure and fearful?
There are some striking differences between people who are good at change and those who struggle. People who embrace change — the people I like to call change optimists — think: Change is good. Change is about growing, and something exciting may be waiting for me on the other side of this transition. They believe that change brings something new into their lives and that change always serves somehow. When change is thrust upon them or when they need to initiate a change on their own, these optimistic people try to make the best of the situation by looking for the positive.
The people I have met who fear change usually believe that change is hard, that it brings up all of their anxieties and insecurities, and that it takes forever. They also think that they are unlucky if tough change comes into their lives, and that they will be paralyzed, stressed and unable to move past it.
Can you see the difference in these two ways of viewing the world?
Which one sounds familiar to you?
The quickest way to take control during change is first to become aware of what your mind is feeding you and then to make a concerted effort to choose better thoughts and beliefs. Start to notice what you most often think and say to yourself — and to others. For example, if you break up with someone, you may believe you will be single forever because you are not attractive or worthy of a committed partner. If you get sick, you may believe that the illness is permanent and that you will never feel better. If you try to lose weight, you may believe you will fail yet again. And if you lose your home in a hurricane, you may believe you will never be happy or comfortable again. These are all beliefs you have created in your own mind.
The good news is that we can identify and bust the myths and fears that we have about change. We have a choice about what things mean to us. We create our distortions and our truths. They are part of the software that runs the computer inside our head. We all have the same hard drive, but each of us has unique programs that control our life. Once we have identified the most dominant programs (beliefs) running on our computer, we have the ability to drag the negative ones into the trash and replace them with beliefs that will serve us better. We can see this in the person who was fired and quickly moved on to a better job versus the person who wallowed for years in unemployed misery. Or the cancer survivor who used the illness to find a renewed love of life versus the survivor who is still full of fear and uncertainty. The difference between these people is the beliefs that they hold.
The Change Manifesto
An Optimist’s Beliefs About Change
Change is a good thing.
Change is part of life and happens to everyone.
Change is an opportunity for me to grow.
Change always means that something good is around the corner.
Change brings seeds of new beginnings and different ways of living life.
Change brings new people, new opportunities and new perspectives.
Change reminds me that I am not in control of many things that happen and reminds me to let go and surrender a little more to life.
Change helps me strengthen my change muscle — my self-reliance, inner fortitude, and inner faith that I can handle anything.
Change allows me to learn or understand something new.
Change reveals another aspect of my personality.
Change is never a punishment; it is always an opportunity to connect with what’s inside of me.
Change allows me to choose how I want to react to something that has happened — by accepting it or resisting it.
Change helps me find my higher self — the part of myself that is always there, that doesn’t change. Life’s unpredictability becomes infinitely easier when I connect with that part of myself
Change wants me to acknowledge it, understand it, embrace it, and then integrate it into my life and identity
Change is always on my side. It exists to serve me, teach me lessons, and help me embrace life’s mysteries.
The Tribe: The Source of Your Current Beliefs
In a perfect world, our parents would teach us that change is the only guarantee in life and that it is therefore essential to be good at accepting change and moving through it. Wouldn’t it have been great if your mom had asked you each evening, “What changed today, what is new, and what’s good about that?” Acknowledging changes in this way would have helped us develop a view of change that would support us later in life, when we are faced time and time again with new situations and experiences.
Take a moment to think about why you have made the life choices that you have — who to marry, what kind of work to pursue, where to live — and you’ll see that we are often a walking imprint of the beliefs of our family and friends — what I like to call the tribe. Sometimes this loyalty to the tribe is conscious; but most often it is unconscious. This loyalty helps us feel connected to the people in our lives on a deeper level. Your tribe has probably helped you shape the way you live, but it can also take away your ability to see and choose the best way to move through change. Every member of your tribe has his or her own model of the world and is all too eager to share it with you. Going against your tribe can be uncomfortable and threatening. If your family believes deeply in the institution of marriage, it takes courage to tell them that you choose to believe divorce can be a good thing. Or maybe you dream of owning your own business, but your tribe always encouraged you to maintain a steady job. Who is in your tribe? Ask yourself who still has power and influence over your choices and the changes you want to make.
As a friend of mine, Kathy, once told me, “During change I’ve found that a lot of people have a tendency to hold on to other’s people’s patterns. People need to look at themselves and ask, ‘Who am I as an individual?’ not ‘Who am I as the daughter of my mother or father, the wife of my husband, or the mother to my kids?’”
Choosing your own way can be extremely liberating, so start taking your power back from the tribe! Give yourself permission to express your own view of losing a job, being in a relationship with someone of a different faith, or moving to new city. It’s your life and your change. You can seize the opportunity to make the change your own and to better your life in the best way you see fit.
You can also influence the way someone else views a change you are going through. When my friend Diane lost a big, important Wall Street job, it was as if her world had come crumbling down around her. She had taken in the belief — from society as well as her friends and family — that her career was what made her a smart, interesting, and worthy person. She described her job loss with such shame and negativity that I found myself reacting with the same energy. I felt really sorry for her and worried about her future. But if she had decided to see the good in this change and said, “This is great! I’m going to spend some more time with my family, catch up on my reading, hit the gym, or volunteer,” I would have been happy and admired her. What you choose to believe and relay about your change determines how others will react to you.
You may not have chosen the change that is happening to you, but you do get to choose the beliefs that surround it. People can develop their own beliefs any time in life, whether you’re young or old, whether they’re deep into a change or just beginning a transition. Everything is always up for discussion.
Take Action:
Part 1
To get a sense of your current beliefs, fill in the blanks of the following statements. Feel free to use your own words. I provided some examples to get you started.
1) Change is __________ (hard, interesting, a pain in the neck, exciting, overwhelming).
2) I am _________ at change (good, bad, awful).
3) Life is ________ (fair, unfair, tough, beautiful, full of surprises).
4) The purpose of life is to ___________ (love, learn, make money).
5) A crisis is a time __________(to hide and feel sorry for myself, to learn something, to change something).
6) Work is _______ (challenging, difficult, unpredictable).
7) Relationships are _________( hard work, a source of love and joy, something I’m bad at).
8) Books about change and this kind of content are _________ (helpful, silly, not my thing, informative).
Take a look at your answers and see what emerges. Ask some of your friends what they believe. The answers to these questions are the very foundation of how you view life and change, and often are reflected in how your life is unfolding.
Part 2
Look at the change you are currently experiencing. Write down your beliefs about this change (for example, “I will never get well,” “I will never stop feeling sad,” “I don’t have what it takes to succeed,” “I am not good enough,” and so on).
Now imagine that someone gave you a handful of First 30 Days optimism pills (or you are now sitting with the most optimistic person you know) and you are ready to choose better beliefs about this change. What would those beliefs be? Write them down.
Today, start implementing the new beliefs you just created. Remember, research has shown it takes twenty-one to twenty-eight days for something to become a habit, so if you try on a few new beliefs for thirty days, they will eventually become part of you. You can speed up the process by writing them down and reading them one to two times a day. I have mine written on a small laminated card that I carry in my bag so they are available when I am waiting for the subway or on line at the bank. These new beliefs are like new food for your mind. We have been feeding our brains the same junk for years, so when you finally shift your beliefs, don’t be discouraged if your mind initially resists. Being consistent in what we believe is given high marks in our society, so if we are seen to change our beliefs, we may worry that it will reflect badly on us. But push through that concern and take your power back: believe what you want, when you want, and change your mind as often as you want. It’s your life and your mind, so you choose the beliefs that serve you at this point in your journey.
Reprinted with permission from HarperCollins. Copyright 2008 Ariane de Bonvoisin. All rights reserved.
© 2012 MSNBC Interactive. Reprints
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