Choosing your own way can be extremely liberating, so start taking your power back from the tribe! Give yourself permission to express your own view of losing a job, being in a relationship with someone of a different faith, or moving to new city. It’s your life and your change. You can seize the opportunity to make the change your own and to better your life in the best way you see fit.

You can also influence the way someone else views a change you are going through. When my friend Diane lost a big, important Wall Street job, it was as if her world had come crumbling down around her. She had taken in the belief — from society as well as her friends and family — that her career was what made her a smart, interesting, and worthy person. She described her job loss with such shame and negativity that I found myself reacting with the same energy. I felt really sorry for her and worried about her future. But if she had decided to see the good in this change and said, “This is great! I’m going to spend some more time with my family, catch up on my reading, hit the gym, or volunteer,” I would have been happy and admired her. What you choose to believe and relay about your change determines how others will react to you.

You may not have chosen the change that is happening to you, but you do get to choose the beliefs that surround it. People can develop their own beliefs any time in life, whether you’re young or old, whether they’re deep into a change or just beginning a transition. Everything is always up for discussion.

Take Action:

Part 1

To get a sense of your current beliefs, fill in the blanks of the following statements. Feel free to use your own words. I provided some examples to get you started.

1) Change is __________ (hard, interesting, a pain in the neck, exciting, overwhelming).

2) I am _________ at change (good, bad, awful).

3) Life is ________ (fair, unfair, tough, beautiful, full of surprises).

4) The purpose of life is to ___________ (love, learn, make money).

5) A crisis is a time __________(to hide and feel sorry for myself, to learn something, to change something).

6) Work is _______ (challenging, difficult, unpredictable).

7) Relationships are _________( hard work, a source of love and joy, something I’m bad at).

8) Books about change and this kind of content are _________ (helpful, silly, not my thing, informative).

Take a look at your answers and see what emerges. Ask some of your friends what they believe. The answers to these questions are the very foundation of how you view life and change, and often are reflected in how your life is unfolding.

Part 2

Look at the change you are currently experiencing. Write down your beliefs about this change (for example, “I will never get well,” “I will never stop feeling sad,” “I don’t have what it takes to succeed,” “I am not good enough,” and so on).

Now imagine that someone gave you a handful of First 30 Days optimism pills (or you are now sitting with the most optimistic person you know) and you are ready to choose better beliefs about this change. What would those beliefs be? Write them down.

Today, start implementing the new beliefs you just created. Remember, research has shown it takes twenty-one to twenty-eight days for something to become a habit, so if you try on a few new beliefs for thirty days, they will eventually become part of you. You can speed up the process by writing them down and reading them one to two times a day. I have mine written on a small laminated card that I carry in my bag so they are available when I am waiting for the subway or on line at the bank. These new beliefs are like new food for your mind. We have been feeding our brains the same junk for years, so when you finally shift your beliefs, don’t be discouraged if your mind initially resists. Being consistent in what we believe is given high marks in our society, so if we are seen to change our beliefs, we may worry that it will reflect badly on us. But push through that concern and take your power back: believe what you want, when you want, and change your mind as often as you want. It’s your life and your mind, so you choose the beliefs that serve you at this point in your journey.

Reprinted with permission from HarperCollins. Copyright 2008 Ariane de Bonvoisin. All rights reserved.

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