By Spencer Hall

updated 2:02 p.m. ET June 13, 2008

Not all mascots are created equal, especially when it comes to winning a bar fight. You might not think this is a necessary skill; you've obviously never worked as a mascot. A mascot must be ready for an attack at any point and must be especially vigilant for attacks by other mascots, especially the Oregon Duck — a nasty Muay Thai/street brawler hybrid currently ranked 33rd in the world in EliteXC fighting.

The top 10 mascots you want getting your back in a bar fight are as follows:

10. The Northern Arizona Lumberjack
Little known to the general sports public but well known to anyone who has set horrified eyes on him, the Lumberjack is a bearded madman in a flannel shirt who carries — of course — an axe. The bug-eyes and face-sweater frighten enough, but bringing your own weapon to the fight makes this maniac fresh from months of tree slaughter a must have in your mascot-combat repertoire.

9. The Pitt Panther
The only predator in the United States that actually views people not as a nuisance only eaten as a last resort but as a primary food group. (By the way, cougar attacks are up dramatically over the past two decades in the United States.)

Fond of jumping off tall objects in ambushes, the Panther is ideal for bar fights in two-story sports bars or in Old West saloons where you can do that great swinging attack off the chandelier.

8. The West Virginia Mountaineer
He comes with his own gun. He wears oil buckskin and would therefore be very, very difficult to grab in a tussle. He has a thick enough beard to cushion most strikes to the face.

His upper-body strength is honed by doing pushups after West Virginia touchdowns; thanks to Pat White, the Mountaineer has done more pushups in the past three years than any human being living. He is a country boy and therefore can survive.

7. The Hawaii Warrior
He appears to have a ceremonial spear, a superb brawling weapon, if 83 Jackie Chan movies are correct. He has immense upper-body development combined with enough mid-section padding to protect against broken ribs and severe lacerations sustained in combat.

The Warrior has fierce war paint, and his screaming war dance might prevent the need for a fight altogether — few people aren't freaked out by a menacing man yelling at you in Hawai'ian, doing deep knee bends in a grass skirt. In conclusion, if you think he's soft, just google "Captain Cook" for his references.

6. Bucky the Badger
Here is another mascot who hugs children only to get closer to their delicious internal organs. Contrary to any cuddly ideas you might have, the badger spends its days just begging for you to look at it the wrong way so it can fight you, drag you down a hole and serve you in neat cutlets to its young.

Badgers, which essentially are weasels on Winstrol, have been known to fight off bears in the wild and can dig faster with their hands than a grown man can with a shovel. Like the Razorback, they are low to the ground and as good on the mat as a young Ken Shamrock, except that Ken Shamrock wouldn't bite your femoral artery in two with ease. (Edit: probably wouldn't.)

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