See the signs: How to know if he’s straying

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Lying signs
Jane’s story: A wife and two lawyers
Jane was pregnant when she noticed the difference in her husband, who was a lawyer. They had shared a wonderful relationship in the first years of their marriage, but then things began to change. The changes were subtle for a long time, and frankly, Jane admitted that she rationalized all the signs away. After all, due to a complicated pregnancy, sex was difficult. She had convinced herself he was being thoughtful not to push the sex issue for many months. She didn’t want to think anything of the cell phone that once lay on the dresser but now was always being recharged in the car.

She couldn’t believe it when the words slipped out of her mouth during her ninth month. She remembered being more shocked than her husband when she asked, “Are you having an affair?” It was almost as if she had to say it without thinking, because to think and ponder it would be too painful. She was relieved when her husband not only denied it but was so taken aback that she knew it was an outrageous thought to him. “Are you kidding me? What could possibly tell you that?” He even went on to explain that he wanted to change whatever it was that was giving her doubts so that she would never have to live with that fear and concern. She continued with a sigh of relief as the conversation quickly turned light and chatty.

She outlined the phone in the car, his lack of initiating sex, the times she couldn’t reach him on his cell. He lovingly held her hand, explaining that he was in court much more these days and was unable to answer his phone, plus the phone often didn’t work in the courthouse, but from then on he ’ d call her right back as soon as he was outside the courthouse. He explained that he thought sex was off the table and didn’t want to bother her to “take care of him.” He said he’d bring the phone in if it would make her feel better, but it was just so much easier to leave it in the car and never be interrupted with work calls at home.

Story continues below ↓

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Jane was so happy that she told him to leave his cell in the car and they worked out a cute signal for sexual contact, with no hard feelings if she wasn’t up to it. “And I know now I was being silly and very hormonal,” she said. “Just call me whenever it’s good for you. I don’t want you to feel any pressure through the day to have to look for my missed call. Just get back to me now and then without worrying about me when you’re on your way to court or something important like that.”

Still not adding up
Things changed a little after that. There was one time he initiated sexual contact, and he did bring in his phone a couple of nights. But the baby was soon crying at short intervals throughout the night, and it wasn’t until the baby was four months old that Jane broached the subject again. She knew she was overtired, stressed, and hormonal. But she talked to her mother and they agreed something didn’t add up. Jane had received a cell phone bill that usually went to her husband’s office but was forwarded to the home when there was a week’s worth of renovation going on at the office. A lot of mail had shown up that day, and Jane later learned it was a mistake made by the new secretary.

Jane opened the bill and found out that her husband had been in contact a great deal with someone at a number she didn’t recognize. She cried for hours until his return home that evening, when she immediately confronted him.

“He was so cool and, if you can believe it, warm. He laughed and said that he could understand how it looked so bad but that it was a law office he’d been doing a lot of business with lately. He explained that although he talked to various lawyers there, he made calls through the switchboard number since that was the one he had committed to memory and he got connected to whomever he needed to speak with. I called the number in front of him and sure enough it was a major law firm in town. I felt like a fool. ”

Nevertheless, for the next five months Jane was beside herself. She couldn’t stop herself from wondering and thinking about where her husband was and if he was cheating or not. It was all-consuming to her, and finally when she began to bring up little inconsistencies, her husband stopped being Mr. Nice Guy and began getting angry at her for not letting it go. It was five months later that he told her he needed a separation to think things over and that it had nothing to do with anyone else. Jane didn’t know what to believe anymore and begged him to finally speak the truth. But he remained firm in his protestations of fidelity, even citing her disbelief of him as one of the major reasons why he needed a break.

One Wednesday night, she met a former colleague of her husband at a charity dinner. “He told me that he was so sorry to hear about me and my husband but that I must be happy that at least it’s all out and over. When I looked curiously at him, he realized he’d stuck his foot in his mouth. But he had no choice, and besides, it seemed like he felt bad for me.” After a year, Jane finally heard the truth. Her husband had been cheating on her with a female colleague at the large firm he’d been calling so much. It seemed that everybody knew about it, and some people even assumed they were together at times. Jane was livid and, promising not to reveal the source of the information, contacted her husband.

“I just wanted the truth. I mean, he owed me that at the very least.” Jane’s husband flatly denied it all, explaining that he did know that woman and did have to work with her intensely on some cases, which may have been misinterpreted for something more. Today, he is living with the other woman and still claims that the relationship was never more than professional until after the separation.

Everyone knows lying is wrong, yet it seems almost everyone does it in some fashion. The lie “I’ll call you” is so popular today that I think some have confused it as a substitute for “good - bye.” Lying diminishes trust and distorts reality.

When we are lied to we can begin to feel like we’re the crazy ones. We want to believe the ones we love; we want to depend on others to present the reality for us, because we are so reliant on our world being consistent and having a predictable outcome.

Naturally, you know that people, perhaps yourself, will lie if (a) you will be criticized if you tell the truth, or (b) you won’t get caught. Still, we hope that those who love us — especially our children and spouse — will be honest even if doing so results in criticism and angry responses.

Why do cheating men lie? Prepare to be surprised. I’ve sat across from some fantastic liars who are not necessarily pathological — just really good liars who lie for understandable reasons. Men seem to believe that telling the truth about cheating is a really bad idea. They’ll lie to their wives, marriage counselors, and parents.

There’s a true story about a married man in court who denied even knowing a certain woman. The wife’s attorney repeatedly grilled him, making sure the man testified that he had never seen the woman before in his life. It was only then that the attorney brought out multiple pictures taken by a private investigator of this man spending lots of time with the very woman he denied knowing. Satisfied, the attorney asked the husband how he could lie to the court. The man responded, “I didn’t know you had the pictures. ”

This scenario seems to depict the typical cheating man — lie until you can’t lie anymore. And then lie some more. Once a man tells the truth about cheating, life changes dramatically and with lightning speed. He loses, and losing doesn’t come easy to any man. Plus, now he has to be more emotional. He’ll have to be apologetic, feel true sadness for what he’s done to you, feel like you now have the right to stick a video camera on his forehead to know his every move. So let’s weigh the options for your husband. Lying seems to win out.

What about love?
But what about love, you ask? What about his desire to truly connect and love you and get past this and grow from it even and work to make things better? Keep in mind that this man has cheated on you, which indicates some lack of love, a disconnect, feeling lost, and a dissatisfaction with you and the marriage. Emotional talk is not as comfortable for your husband as you might think. Like most men, he’s been taught his whole life to be cognitive and logical. Under these conditions, lying wins out.

I’m quite fascinated by the distortion of reality and find it maddening for women I’m trying to help in my practice. Like Jane, these women become consumed by the need to know what’s really going on. Once the lies begin, it’s an excruciating road to ever trusting their husband again, assuming he finds a way to be honest. And there is no easy answer. The best I can give is that ultimately we trust our spouses because we feel connected enough in the relationship that we’d feel the slightest pulling away and can learn to reel things back in. Too often, couples just allow things to continue to disconnect and don’t have a mechanism for reconnecting and making things better before they get out of hand. Even after cheating, this process is the ultimate healer. All the apologies in the world won’t protect a marriage.

A commitment to keep constant tabs on the relationship and doing what it takes to keep it working for both of you is the only answer.

Do you think your husband would tell the truth if confronted about cheating? Let’s see.

My research went to great lengths to pinpoint the percentage of cheating men who lied about the affair.

The results were scary. Fifty-five percent of cheating men have never told their wives about the affair, either because the wives have never asked or because they continued to lie about it even after their wives had evidence of the other relationship. Specifically, 28 percent never told and were never asked, while 27 percent lied even after their wives had some evidence of the relationship. Another 14 percent lied until their wives had evidence. Twelve percent told their wives after being questioned multiple times, 12 percent told after being questioned the first time, and a measly 7 percent told without being questioned. This means that only 31 percent told their wives because they were questioned.

Bottom line: if you’re expecting your husband to be honest with you about his cheating — you’d better buy a lottery ticket. Too many wives have felt like they’re being tortured when they sense something is up and are repeatedly convinced verbally from their husbands that they are way off. Being told to your face that your perceptions are completely wrong and rebelieving and trusting your husband’s words when your heart and gut are telling you another story is absolutely tragic. There is no word to describe the experience of being lied to by the one person you chose to commit to for the rest of your life. And your husband has turned out to be a convincing liar, which just makes you think about how much you really don’t know this man with whom you’ve shared everything, the most intimate parts of who you are, parts of yourself no one else may ever know.

Your turn!

Quiz: Could he be cheating?
Vote: Should you take back a cheater?

CONTINUED : Where cheating men meet the other woman

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See the signs: How to know if he’s straying