Dr. Laura Berman

Let's face it: Sex in real life is not the sex we see in the media. But that doesn't mean you can't make the most of your intimate moments with simple techniques and tips. In “Real Sex for Real Women,” sex therapist Dr. Laura Berman explains how to combine the reality of everyday life with fantastic sex. Here's an excerpt from Chapter 4: Know your relationship.

Our human bonds are vital in keeping us happy. A strong, healthy relationship with a person you love and respect brings support, joy, friendship, fun, passion, and love. Yet our relationships are constantly evolving — highs, lows, and everything in between are part of our romantic journey. As both of you grow and change, you might find your relationship changes, too. At times your sex life may hit a stalemate as your career takes off or your parental responsibilities increase. The challenge is to keep your relationship fresh and sexy throughout life’s many stages.

Types of relationships
Where are you in your relationship? Are you delighting in the butterflies-in-the-stomach phase, when every moment is exciting? Are you at the stage where you sleep in his T-shirt and boxers without worrying about your appearance? Or are you at the point where his minor bad habits grate on your nerves, and you long for the time when your relationship was fun, flirtatious, and sexy? Whatever the case, each stage and each type of relationship presents women with unique challenges and blessings.

Review your relationship
Romantic relationships can be incredibly varied, so a one-stop shop for advice won’t work for everyone — each situation is unique and requires a different set of responses to effect positive change. In order to maintain a strong emotional and sexual relationship throughout the natural progression of your life, you need to understand where you are in your relationship and where you want your relationship to be in the future.

New relationships
The beginning of a relationship is an intense and memorable time. From your first kiss to the magical moment when you realize that you are in love, new relationships can make even the most composed person’s head spin. Your libido is in overdrive, your senses are supersensitive, and being apart is unbearable. The simplest things — a whispered endearment or shared confidence — have the power to take your breath away, and every moment spent together is precious. However, as the saying goes, the course of true love never did run smooth, and many of the issues confronted by couples at the beginning of their relationship — from lifestyle habits and beliefs to interfamily relations — will set the tone for your future relationship. Communication is especially important during this phase.

Long-term relationships
Marriage and lifelong partnerships are the quintessential monogamous relationships. Most people aspire to obtain lifelong love, though divorce rates show that the journey to “happily ever after” is harder than it might seem.

Long-term relationships promise love and companionship, which most people crave in their lives. Most couples also have shared goals, such as having children, and financial commitments. The couple relies on each other in good times and bad, and feels completely comfortable together. Although this stage brings with it familiarity and security, it can also mean the end of passion and excitement, along with emerging worries and doubts. At this stage, couples still have to work hard to preserve the romance in their relationship.

Keep your sex life vibrant by trying new positions or techniques, and taking the time to flirt with, seduce, and romance each other. Fantasy, erotica, and sex toys may help to keep it exciting. If work and other commitments mean you can’t spend much time alone or have sex very often, keep your connection close with erotic touches, deep kisses, and loving hugs.

Open relationships
Some people believe that monogamy is unsuited to today’s modern world. In an open relationship, both partners are permitted to sleep with other people. This type of relationship is generally built on the idea that lust cannot be governed and sexuality should be enjoyed and explored. However, it is only fair to be honest about your expectations. If you don’t see a committed relationship in your future, tell your lover. If you one day would like to make the relationship exclusive, be upfront about those hopes, too.

Open relationships provide the comfort and companionship of a long-term relationship with the excitement of new love. The “butterflies” stage often lasts longer in an open relationship, as it does in a long-distance relationship. This is because the freedom to sleep around, or the distance, sets up a barrier that prevents a couple from moving on to a more settled relationship. Although many people dabble in open relationships, settling down remains important to most men and women. In the meantime, make sure you both practice safer sex with other partners and promote safer sex by being tested regularly. Always use protection for both intercourse and oral sex.

Also be aware that open relationships can be particularly difficult and unsatisfying for women. When women achieve an orgasm, the brain releases oxytocin, otherwise known as the chemical of attachment. Men have higher levels of testosterone in their brains, which may help to counteract this chemical. So protect yourself from becoming too comfortable with a partner who might not share your feelings: set limitations, and guard your emotions and your health.

Casual encounters
These types of attachments can be temporarily fulfilling. They are often based upon sexual gratification — think one-night stands. Where do casual encounters stand in an average woman’s life? Most will have explored the one-night stand at least once, and it can be tempting on a lonely night. With the right precautions, casual encounters can be a satisfying part of a woman’s sexual journey.

Take advantage of the temporary situation by being as wild and kinky as you desire. After all, it’s just for one night, so you don’t need to hold back or feel embarrassed. Try out a new position and get in touch with your femme fatale. Casual encounters might not be the place to find love, but they can help you hone your sexual prowess.

May–December relationships
A significant age difference between partners has the tendency to set some people’s heads spinning, including family members and close friends. It can also be tricky for the couple in question. With this sort of relationship, you must be prepared to confront differing age issues.

Perhaps one of you has children who have hit their rocky adolescent years, or maybe he is nearing retirement while you are just getting into the swing of your career. Different stages of life also present different energy levels and health concerns. While it is true that May–December couples learn a lot from each other, they also encounter unique concerns about aging. Age might not be an immediate issue, but will you still feel the same way when you are 60 and he is 45, or 70 and 55? How will you handle illness and aging?

Another major issue is children — whether you have them already, or one of you wants them and the other doesn’t. Manage these difficulties by remembering that the relationship is not necessarily about whether you are compatible parents or whether children are in your future — shared life goals, an enjoyment of each other’s sense of humor, similar interests, affection, and open communication are the basis of good relationships. If his stance on children is a deal breaker, don’t force or trick him into adopting your point of view. Make a clean break and find someone who shares your dreams for the future.

Empty-nest relationships
When children grow up and leave home, one or both parents often imagine that blissful romantic nights will follow. However, many couples find that by the time they have the house to themselves again, they feel they have nothing left in common with each other. Without the children’s lives to discuss, parents may find their only topic of conversation is the weather.

The empty-nest syndrome is common and expected — after all, your life is changing for the first time in 18 years. In the wake of this, your relationship will inevitably shift and evolve.

You can get it back on track, but you might have to get to know each other again. Think about building up the common ground — shared interests such as travel or golf. Now that children are no longer at the forefront of your minds, you have time to explore other interests, whether they be fitness, cooking, or gardening. While it is important to have separate hobbies to maintain your independence, having a mutual one will help create conversation and give you shared goals.

Also have honest conversations about what you want from this next chapter of your life. Take some risks by stating that you would like more intimacy, and attempt to jump-start your sex life.

These changes can herald the beginning of a new and beautiful time in your relationship — long weekends away, quiet nights, late mornings and breakfast in bed, and sex all over the house. And this really is a situation that you can create for yourselves, by yourselves.

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