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How to make good choices
Okay, so you are aware of the options available to you, and you know how to choose. What are some techniques you can use to minimize the casualties? I’ll spare you a detailed rendition of decision-making theory. Here are some practical tips.
Practice.
- If you usually defer to someone else, it’s your turn to pick.
- For any of the dozens of day-to-day decisions, give yourself a time limit and then choose. Five minutes is plenty of time to peruse that dinner menu — get on with it!
- For weightier decisions, list the pros and cons of each option (an approach made popular by Ben Franklin) so you can actually see the reasons for and against making that choice.
Trust your gut. The answers are inside of you. I always encourage people to draw their own conclusions before asking for advice from others. Most people undervalue their own opinions, so learning to trust that the answers are inside of you — first — shows you value your own wisdom. Sure, your conclusions may occasionally be warped by emotions run amok, and you may need to get advice from others. But your conclusions may also contain a few valuable notes that need to be heard. And even if you’re not great at finding those answers inside of you at first, it’s a terrific way to learn from your mistakes. When you decide, you are more likely to be happy with your choice because, after all, it’s yours.
Choose with your greatness in mind. Holy hell, why didn’t anyone tell me this before? I’ve been making all kinds of decisions for 40-plus years now, and only recently did I begin choosing with my highest and best purpose as the guiding factor. For the last 10 years I have consciously asked myself, “What would the best me do?” And when I ask that question, it’s like pushing in the clutch on fear and doubt so I can shift into overdrive with confidence, and a vision of myself being great. When you’re 23 and feeling pressure to make some major life decision, you go for money, security, the least painful option — hell, whatever might be behind curtain number 3 — but you sure don’t ask yourself which decision will lead to your greatness. Or at least I didn’t. Maybe I was out sick the day they covered that in school.
Stop mulling over the options. Accept the option that seems most likely to give you your desired outcome. Once you make that choice, stop reviewing all of the options. You decided, already! That’s what a choice is. It’s a decision, and part of it is choosing to live with all the ramifications. Now saddle up and move on.
Get great advice. If you aren’t quite sure what to do and need more clarity, consult your wisest, most trusted advisors. These must be people who have some knowledge of the subject and who are unbiased in their opinions. Ideally, they should know you but not have a vested interest in what you decide. You may get terrific ideas. You may get confirmation of what you already thought. You also may get advice that you find yourself bristling at. It is up to you to determine if you are bristling at a growth opportunity or if that physical response is telling you not to follow their advice ... which is a choice!
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If all else fails
Dec. 9: Michelle DeAngelis, author of “Get a Life That Doesn’t Suck,” discusses ways to cheer up even in tough economic times.
If I’m really torn, I flip a coin. Seriously. If I’m okay with the result, that’s my answer. If I’m not okay with the result (“Oh hell, let’s go for two outta three”), that, too, is good information. It tells me I’m not comfortable choosing whatever that coin toss told me to, so I pick the other choice. Either way, it’s a decision.
You know more than you think you know and you know things that you don’t know you know. Good to know!
As you go through the experience of life — the everyday — you take in tons of information that you are not consciously aware of and you store it for use at a later time. Your brain organizes it for retrieval, often without your even realizing it’s there. That may sound far-fetched, but once you successfully retrieve surprising or even odd information a few times, you’ll be surprised at how quickly it starts to feel natural.
The key is to tap in to that inner knowledge regularly and frequently by using a technique you practice alone, such as being silent, writing, talking into a tape recorder, meditating, praying, yodeling in the shower — whatever does it for you. Sometimes simply rephrasing a question will allow your mind to give you the answer. You may even have to patiently ask the question several times before you benefit. I have clients who look at themselves in the mirror and ask their inner selves for the answer. Other people can tell by paying attention to their gut feelings and letting those physical sensations register. For example, if you’re tense and uncomfortable, be aware and think twice about the person or situation in question and how it is affecting you.
My client Danielle recently shared a story about how she chose to take a vacation with her family in the middle of a major work crunch. She said the trip had been planned months earlier, but as the week approached, she started to feel a lot of anxiety about leaving work. Danielle is a writer, and she had one project that was behind schedule and two others that were due in a few weeks. She said she kept fixating on how much work she could get done if she stayed home. But then she’d think about how disappointing it would be to miss those vacation days with her husband and his daughters, and the thought of not going felt awful. She said, “I was exhausted by not being able to decide what to do. I felt like I weighed a thousand pounds. I had to make the damned decision and get on with it. I knew the right answer was in my head; I just wasn’t sure how to retrieve it.”
Danielle said she’d been putting in long hours for months. While skipping the vacation could alleviate some of her anxiety, it would also mean missing a needed break. She understood clearly that while she loved her work and wanted to meet her deadlines, she didn’t want to let work interfere with spending quality time with her loved ones or taking some quality time for herself. She said, “I determined that I really wanted to go, but I didn’t feel comfortable about being out of the office for a whole week, so I decided I’d compromise and go for 4 days.” She knew that was the right decision but still had angst about the projects and clients she’d be putting on hold. I asked her how she shifted into vacation mode, and she said, “I wrote e-mails to my clients reminding them I’d be out of the office until Wednesday, and then I took a deep breath and said, ‘From this minute until Wednesday at 8:00 a.m., I am on vacation and I choose to be happy about that.’” She said, “The funny thing was that just a half hour earlier, my husband saw me being total gloom and doom. When I emerged from my office with a big smile and said, ‘Kiss me, I’m on vacation now,’ he tilted his head sideways and looked like a confused puppy. He was really happy that I was going with them to the lake but couldn’t understand how I shifted my mood so quickly and dramatically.”
There’s no right or wrong way to tune in to your inner answers, but you usually have to turn down the volume on life to hear the message. The next time you hear yourself say, “I don’t know,” say to yourself, “Okay, and if I did know the answer, what would it be?” It’s amazing what nuggets can pop out if you ask. Getting good at accessing your own knowledge is profoundly helpful and makes for one helluva joyride.
Excerpted from “Get a Life That Doesn’t Suck: 10 Surefire Ways to Live Life and Enjoy the Ride,” by Michelle DeAngelis. Copyright (c) 2008, reprinted with permission from Rodale Books. Does life suck? Take this quiz and find out!
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