Working moms: Don’t feel guilty

Families thrive not in spite of working mothers, but because of them, say Sharon Meers and Joanna Strober, authors of the book “Getting to 50/50: How Working Couples Can Have It All by Sharing It All.” You can have a great career and marriage while being a great mother, they say. In this excerpt, the authors write about why you shouldn't feel guilty about being a working mother.

Chapter one
Why count sheep when you can count your worries? Your child ... your job ... your spouse ... his job ... your marriage ... your child ... your job ...

Will getting to 50/50 let you sleep carefree? For us, that hasn't happened yet. But we toss and turn much less because we have good company, spouses who are equal players in the parent game. The many couples we've interviewed say the same: "It's worth it — especially for the kids."

The thoughts that keep you up at night start early. On a popular morning show, a parenting guru shakes his head. "You need to be there when your kids get home from school." (Does he mean you?) As you kiss your kids good-bye, you see a flier from the library: "Children's Story Hour: 11 a.m. on Mondays." You've never gone. "Would my daughter enjoy that? What is she missing?" you wonder as you shut the front door.

Midday, there's an e-mail from school. "Your son writes numbers backwards. Please practice at home." How, you wonder, will you wedge that in on weeknights? Your 3 p.m. meeting started forty minutes late and the Little League game is at 5. You said you'd be there and, as your son likes to say, "a promise is a promise." You arrive at 5:45 and the game is in progress. You sit down as your son goes to bat. The ball soars and he runs all the way to third base. He sees you and smiles — but you wonder why every day feels like such a fire drill. What about that guy on TV this morning: Are your kids getting shortchanged? You start calculating how your family could get by on one income (not yours).

Then your husband grabs your hand and whispers: "Don't worry, I got here early. See what a little batting practice will do?" He smiles proudly as your son's foot hits home plate. Yes, your kids sometimes bring store-bought treats for the bake sale. But if you craft family life to give your children what they need ... does it matter?

As working moms who care about our kids, we've taken a hard look at this question and learned many eye-opening things. We've read the research — and interviewed many experts who conduct it — to understand what the science really says. We've also gathered the stories of working parents (and their grown kids), who share their experiences complete with ups and downs. It turns out that children can gain a lot when both parents work: independence and self-confidence, cognitive and social skills, and strong connections with two parents — not just one. First, though, let's talk about an issue that can lead to more sleepless nights than a newborn: the question of child care.

The truth about child care: The kids are all right
If you played with dolls as a little girl, you'll recall the game had one rule: Babies need their mommies.

As you prepared to have your own child, you heard the same message, but the sentences got longer and the words got bigger. Experts talked about the human brain and the first few years of life, about how a child's emotional and intellectual development hinged on a mother's total involvement in these crucial early stages. The newspapers announced the landmark government study saying that children placed in day care are more likely to exhibit behavior problems than children reared at home. Friends at the playground traded tales about what a nanny cam caught on tape.

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You enjoy your work — you need your work for many reasons — but all this "news" is making you wonder if your career shouldn't take a backseat. Isn't it better for the kids if mom stays home? Isn't child care bad for children? Can anyone do as good a job as you? And don't forget what your sister said about that boy in your nephew's preschool class — the pint-sized bully who's getting kicked out — "His mom works full time, no wonder he's a problem."

Even when we feel good about the child care we've found for our kids, it's hard not to wonder about its long-term effects. You rarely hear the good news about child care, so wondering can quickly turn to worry.

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