‘I’d trade my husband for a housekeeper’

DID I GET A LEMON? 
Another compounding factor in today’s marriages is that, for the first time in history, staying married is completely voluntary, and that causes us to question whether we’re in a good marriage anymore. Divorce is so commonplace, and so many of us have divorced parents, that it’s accepted that we can leave our marriages at any time. This leads to some not-so-pretty consumerist questions in lots of women’s heads. How’s my husband functioning? Should I upgrade? Is he living up to his performance guarantee? Did I get a lemon?

We know he’s a human being, and we shouldn’t think of him as less than he was when we married him, but when we have fights, instead of just feeling sad, we feel buyer’s remorse. We yearn to try a different model. Exacerbating these feelings, there’s little social encouragement to stick with the status quo. A “disposable” attitude permeates our lives, almost always to our detriment. It’s one thing when the TV breaks and we throw it away instead of fixing it. But it’s quite another when we bring that mind-set into our marriage. We’ve probably never met him, but let us assure you: Your guy is not a lemon. You cannot, and should not, bring him back (well, not most of the time). Commitment really counts when times are tough. One mom we know reminds herself when her husband starts driving her crazy by making sausage in the kitchen on a Sunday afternoon which to her eyes and ears is pretty much the grossest-looking and -sounding thing imaginable — “OK, this is the part when you’re really married.” That “for worse” phrase is part of the marriage vows for a good reason. If you expect difficulties, and commit to working through them, your marriage will be stronger for it.

HE WANTS ME TO BE THIS COOKIE-CUTTER MOM
One good way to start unpacking the expectations of your marriage is to start thinking about your role models — what examples you’re trying to emulate or avoid, and what examples your husband is trying to emulate or avoid. As Meg Newcomer, a family therapist, explained to us, “When we look at our partner, we see three people — them, and our two parents.” (Scary, huh?) “How did we learn to cope with pain and difficulty, how did our family deal with conflict, show love, allow space for feelings to be expressed or not. You come into marriage with a suitcase of clothes, and you’re constantly trying to fit those clothes on your partner. And a lot of times they don’t fit at all! Or it’s a shirt from your mom!”

We heard from parents at both extremes — from “We tend to model our current and future lives on how badly our parents screwed up,” to those who are struggling to figure out how their own parents managed as well as they did. “I can’t entertain the way my mother did, I can’t have that house, I can’t have the marriage she did,” another mom told us. “And I’m coming to terms with the fact that we are the way we are, and that’s OK. It’s a daily struggle.”

Whatever’s the case for you — hellish parents or saintly ones — just thinking about your role models can go a long way.

• Are you trying to be as good a mother as your mother?
• Is your husband trying to be a better dad than his dad?
• Do you know more about what you don’t want your marriage to look like than what you do want your marriage to look like?
• Are you feeling conflicted about the role you’re playing in your marriage?
• Are you feeling guilty for not being the husband or wife you think you should be?
  

A lot of women told us they felt like guinea pigs, trying to navigate a workable path through marriage in a world where women’s roles have changed so quickly. Your husband’s mother and your own mother probably carried very different roadmaps for getting through their lives. “He grew up in a traditional home; his mom did everything and he expected that for us,” Sara told us. “Generationally, it’s not like that anymore. We as wives expect more of our husbands now. We expect them to pitch in more! As far as any other issues — the parenting aspect — we didn’t realize we’d come out on such different sides of the fence. He very much wanted a wife to stay home. He saw this cookie-cutter mom at home and wanted that [from] me.”

HE’S THE FUN DAD AND I’M THE MEAN MOMMY
This lack of current models has led to a lot of confusion over the roles we’re all supposed to play.

Some men and women told us they thought it would have been easier to be happily married (and to be co-parents) a generation ago, when gender roles were more strictly defined. Whether or not this is actually true is debatable. But it does seem to highlight the fact that roles within a marriage can be a big source of tension. Many of us come into marriage with unspoken views of what his role and her role is going to be. Sometimes our views are compatible with our spouse’s, and sometimes they’re not. And if they’re not, that can lead to a whole lot of tears and tension. One mom, Georgia, told us, “I do get angry. We argue about what our roles are. I say, ‘I’m not asking you to help me; I’m asking you to parent with me.”

Video   Call a truce on bedroom battles Kate White from Cosmopolitan magazine and psychotherapist Robi Ludwig discuss ways to avoid bedtime conflicts. Today show

Other men and women thought it should be easier to be happily married now in that many couples start off down the aisle as equal partners, and equal seems like a really good position from which to create a shared life. But this, too, has its set of perils. Many marriages that strive to be equal partnerships often wind up looking like see-saws, with a lot of shifting of who is up and who is down (and a lot of bruised backsides and egos when positions change). Worse, some marriages that strive for equality start to look like tug-of-wars, with each spouse pulling hard to retain equal standing in a house that’s getting rocked by kids.

Believe us, we’re all for equality. We just want to raise the idea that “equal” is a goal, not a fixed setting on a thermostat. And it is maddeningly difficult to attain. “Here’s my take,” says Barry Schwartz, author of Paradox of Choice. “There’s been a lot of attention paid to the amount of work women do in the household. But it’s not really equal. I think what hasn’t been focused on is the emotional and mental work — namely, who makes the decisions. This is incredibly important: Even if the husband’s around, and shares the kid workload, who’s making the decisions about playdates, schools? The overwhelming, crushing responsibility of it all still lies with the mother. It’s a false sense of being equals.”

The emotional valences of different parents doing different chores can also interfere with equality. “He’s the ‘fun dad.’ It’s the weekend — it’s time for McDonald’s, playing baseball in the driveway — let’s go out for bagels,” one mom named Lisa told us. “I look bad, because I’m the mean mommy who has to feed them breakfast before school and not go out for bagels.”

MONEY MONEY MONEY
Money also impacts marriages in crazy ways, whether we want it to or not (and talking about this is one of the biggest taboos of all).

The stay-at-home moms we spoke to were surprised at how powerless they sometimes felt in their marriages, especially when it came to decisions around big-ticket items, like houses and private school. “We had this whole argument over schools — private versus public. And I felt powerless,” one full-time mom explained. “I felt like I couldn’t make the decision. He didn’t want to spend the money, and I thought my vote didn’t count as much [being] a stay-at-home mom.”

Families in which the mother was the main breadwinner also had their share of bumps. “There is nothing less sexy than your husband saying, You’re the breadwinner,” one mom admitted. “The pressure is on me. What about my choices? Why aren’t I the mom?” Another mom shared, “I had this conversation with myself this morning driving in the car: ‘Jennifer, you knew what you were getting into! You knew you would have to be the breadwinner! You knew that this would be the deal.’”

Another mom said, “It all sounded so wonderful: He would work, I would stay home. I remember my dad saying to me,  ‘Money is power. You need to take care of yourself.’ In the next breath, he would say, ‘You need to get married and be taken care of.’”

‘PERFECT’ IS A DIRTY WORD
So, what can you do to help align your expectation of marriage with reality?

The first thing to do is to remember that there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. Sorry, it’s not going to happen. Same goes for perfect mother. You can drive yourself insane trying, but you’re still going to blow it sometimes. Perfection is a fantasy, not a reality. So stop torturing yourself. You’re a flawed human, like the rest of us. Welcome to the club.

It’s also important to remember that all marriages, including yours, need to be reinvented after kids. “We had to do that dance to find the new ‘normal’ of that life with kids,” is how one mom put it. We’re not the same people we were after having kids, and our marriages are going to be different as well.

Lastly, you need to talk to your spouse about what you expect from each other and what each of you wants from your married lives. It sounds mundane, and a lot of it is — “I want us to go to the beach together,” “Even if I’m sleeping I want you to kiss me goodnight.” But think of it as spring cleaning for your marriage. Every once in a while you really need to air some stuff out. “It’s something that we talk a lot about — how do you value your leisure time? How much weight do you put on keeping the bathroom clean? Sunday dinner? Taking the kids to church? Date night?” asks therapist Christine Ryan, M.A., L.P.C.  “A lot of times couples are surprised at how different their answers are.”

This, however, is not necessarily a problem. The point of marriage is not to become identical twins. “You’re not going to share and love everything equally,” Ryan continues. “I think what’s important is to be able to identify what the other person values. Then you need to look at yourself and ask, What about me? What am I doing to enhance the marriage?”

Just to be clear, we’ll say it again: Contrary to popular belief, marriage is not about two people becoming one. You don’t need to be mirror images of each other (and would you really want to be?). You just need to fit together. One mom we talked to told us she thinks the most important thing in marriage is to keep walking in the same direction. “I’ve finally made peace with the fact that our differences work really well together,” another mom, Hannah, said. “He’s probably more patient than I am, but I thought it would be the opposite. I’m more the perfectionist — wanting things to be a certain way. I’m more uptight. It’s really great to have a partner to balance you out.”

Video   Marriage after the baby carriage April 3: TODAY hosts talk to Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile, co-authors of a book about the challenges of modern parenthood, “I’d Trade My Husband for a Housekeeper.” Today show

6 WAYS TO KEEP YOUR EXPECTATIONS IN CHECK
Ask yourself what your expectations are for a good marriage. Do these expectations match those of your partner? Are your expectations realistic? What expectations do you have of each other as a husband and a wife?  Sit down with each other and talk about them (you may be surprised at how many expectations are imaginary). Take a step back and assess where your expectations of each other come from. Did you watch your parents live together, happily married, for thirty years? Did you watch them live unhappily for thirty years? Did you watch them divorce? Most importantly, are the expectations created by your parents’ example fair? Consider how your expectations of yourself as a mother are impacting your relationship with your spouse. Remind yourself why you got married to your spouse in the first place. Stop thinking about what your marriage should look like. Redefine what a “good marriage” means to you, for this moment in life.

MEN: THEIR PERSPECTIVE, THEIR PRESSURES
Husbands and fathers today face a lot of pressures that we don’t necessarily understand, or ask about, or give them credit for. We’re so wrapped up in all that we need to do — our whole “perfect mom” trip — that we fail to appreciate that they, too, might be feeling overwhelmed. Like us, our guys feel obligated to do it all, and do it all well. As Meg Newcomer, a family therapist, explains, “Men feel unappreciated sometimes. They think ‘I’m providing, so why am I getting yelled at? I would rather be at soccer.’ There’s a lot of talk about Supermom, but what about Superdad?”

The truth is, the same stuff that keeps women off balance and anxious in motherhood has made fatherhood difficult for men. They have no roadmap to show them how to be a good husband and a good dad. They feel pressured to provide. They feel pressured to be “present.” Men feel so many pressures from so many different places that many are caught off guard when their wives start insinuating that husbands today are getting the better deal. So if you haven’t clued into this already, it’s time you do: Many contemporary fathers are feeling lost, unsure of who they are and even who they’re supposed to be. For our guys, too, gender roles are less clear-cut than they were a few decades ago. That leaves our husbands bumbling around, getting banged up by all the demands they put on themselves, and making up their roles as spouses and parents as they go along.

ARE WE DONE YET? 
In most marriages, at some point, it becomes a big bone of contention: Are we going to have more kids?  

It’s a huge decision, of course, and most people bring mountains of baggage to the discussion. Many moms and dads we talked to said they had an image in their heads of what their families would look like, including how many kids they’d have. So it really helps to take the time to ask each other some critical questions in order to make more conscious choices about your families. Remember, make the choice that’s best for you; we’re all going to have different answers to these questions.

• Why do we want more children?
• Do we both feel the same way about it?
• What are we looking for in having another child?
• How will having another child affect our current children?
• How will having another child affect our marriage?
• How will having another child affect our finances — both short-term and long-term? (Consider everything from vacations to schooling to housing needs to childcare)
• Where do I fit in this? Will I be able to maintain my identity and sanity?
• Will having another child make us happier? Will we be happy without another child?

It’s also important to be really honest with yourself about whether “good mom” pressures are coloring your decision-making process. It’s crazy, but many of us had to consider whether we thought having another child made us look like more successful moms.

At the same time, we need to validate the idea that preserving and nurturing a marriage is a sound, smart reason to not have more kids. As one husband named Ben told his wife who was pressuring him to have a third child, “Don’t think about it as not having another child... think about it as gaining a husband.”

Finally, remember that you have to live with your choices, and no one else outside your family cares how many kids you have. Whether you have one child or four, make a choice that’s right for you and your spouse. Life is full of serendipity and surprise anyway. So plan to have the number of kids that seems best for you. 

Excerpted from “I’d Trade My Husband for a Housekeeper: Loving Your Marriage After the Baby Carriage,” by Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile. Copyright © 2009 Reprinted by permission of Chronicle Books.

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