What we can learn from our parents' marriages

Maybe your mom and dad have a blissful bond, or maybe they divorced after years of silent struggle. The way they expressed their love for each other — or didn’t — throughout your childhood served as your first model for what marriage looks like. And good or bad, their marriage left an indelible impression, leading you to decide what behaviors and gestures you wanted to replicate in your own relationship.

“If your parents were happily married, you saw how two different people can somehow manage to live a life together,” says Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of "The Secrets of Happy Families." But if you grew up wondering why your parents couldn’t be happy together, that doesn’t mean you are doomed to a failed relationship.

“Many couples promise themselves that they’ll avoid all the mistakes their parents made, which can lead to dogged commitment,” Haltzman says. Here, nine couples open up about both the hard and the happy marital lessons their parents taught them.

“Marriage takes a lot of work”
Alisa: Two years ago, I was miserable in my marriage. Mark and I were first-time parents, and motherhood completely overwhelmed me.

Everything seemed to fall on me while Mark’s life really didn’t change. Meanwhile, I felt alone, depressed, and incredibly resentful. When it got to the point where I found myself lusting after other men and even daydreaming about Mark dying, I remembered what I’d seen in my own parent’s marriage: When I was 11, my mom and dad hit a rough spot, and my mother moved into the basement. But they never stopped going to counseling and talking through their issues. When things with Mark got bad, I remembered their perseverance. My parents taught me that marriage is hard work. I realized then that if my marriage was going to survive, Mark and I had to put in a lot more effort.

Mark: Looking back, I can see how my parents’ marriage affected the way I dealt with parenthood. My mom and dad focused all of their energy on their four kids. Growing up, we always did things as a family, and while I have lots of good memories, it was important for me to do things differently than they had. When I became a father, I still wanted to have my own life — to continue to keep up relationships with my friends. So I did these things regularly without realizing that Alisa felt saddled with the brunt of parenthood.

Alisa: I started reading lots of self-help books about improving marriage, and Mark and I began doing exercises on forgiveness and communication. I also started blogging (projecthappilyeverafter.com), and Mark would read every entry, no matter how brutally honest it was. It was my way of saying how I felt, just like my parents had done through their therapy sessions. It was important for me that Mark truly “got” me.

Mark: I was all for whatever it would take to get us in a better place. Unlike my mom and dad’s relationship, where the kids trumped everything else, I wanted our marriage to come first. We started talking about how we could better balance different parts of our lives. Today, we’re a much stronger couple. Alisa tells me that I’m a better listener and more sensitive to her feelings. We’re both happier — as people and as parents.

“Your parents’ marriage isn’t your marriage”
Lizz: I had been married for about a year and a half by the time my parents’ divorce was final. One parallel I noticed between their relationship and mine was our style of arguing:

If communication got hot between my parents, my dad would shut down, not wanting to argue. It drove my mom nuts because there was never any resolution. I would do the exact same thing to Matt. Also, seeing my mom and dad unhappy for so many years and expecting that one day they’d split, I expected that’s what would happen to me too. I wasn’t 100 percent real with Matt about my relationship fears, because I wanted to protect a part of myself for “when” we got divorced.

Matt: I’d get angry because I could tell that Lizz wasn’t totally letting her guard down with me, and we’d end up in an argument, then she’d go silent. Nothing would ever get resolved. Same thing happened with my parents: They always had trouble communicating with each other. Sometimes they wouldn’t speak to each other at all. That made for a lot of tension and repressed anger in our house growing up. I didn’t want the silent treatment to be a part of my marriage.

Lizz: During my mom and dad’s divorce, I realized just how much I was mirroring their relationship. I saw that just because Matt yelled or got angry, it didn’t mean we were headed for divorce. When I finally understood that, it got easier to identify those moments when I’d start to tune out in the heat of an argument, so I could stop myself. I finally felt that I could be totally honest with Matt. I could finally say, “I want to hear you out, but I need you to lower your voice,” without feeling like he was going to leave me as a result.

Matt: And when I felt that Lizz was finally listening to me, it made it much easier to stay cool and calm and put my feelings into words that were less heated and combative. We both knew that we wanted our marriage to be different from our parents. Getting over that communication hurdle set us on a path to make those changes.

“Speak intimately to each other”
My parents used to talk to each other late at night when I was a kid. These nightly conversations made me appreciate how important it is to be able to talk to your spouse. One of my favorite “talking times” with Phil is on Sunday morning. We cuddle on the couch and spend two to three hours just chatting and doing “whatever” under a quilt! —Carol O’Dell, 47

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“Speak kindly of each other”
My mom always told me that my father was smart, hardworking, and a quick learner. Her example of talking about my dad in a good light carried over in my marriage. Carol and I have always complimented each other in front of our three daughters. We don’t try to make our marriage look perfect, but we don’t berate each other either. —Phillip O’Dell, 51

“Show your children your love”
My parents always hugged and kissed each other in front of me. This showed me how crazy they were about each other, and it taught me how important it is for children to see what strong, positive, physical love looks like. Now our daughters watch Mark chase me around to catch me for a kiss. —Kari Lawry, 41

“Show your children your independence”
My dad was into hunting, and my mom had her own hobbies too. I learned the importance of having interests different from your spouse’s. Kari and I do a lot together, but like my father, I love to hunt. Kari won’t go anywhere she can’t wear strappy sandals, but that’s okay because we respect each other’s alone time. —Mark Lawry, 41

“Keep playing”
My mom and dad always joked around. My dad loved my mom, and she loved his sense of humor. Each time she left our house, he’d say, “Now get out and don’t come back!” We’d all laugh until it hurt. This taught me that playfulness is a vital part of marriage. I consider myself lucky to be with a man who always makes me laugh. —Audrey McClelland, 30

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“Keep laughing”
My parents have been together for decades, and the laughter has never stopped. Their silliness showed me that nothing can be taken too seriously in a family. Audrey and I are the same way. We laugh at the same things, especially the chaos created by our four boys. There are nonstop wrestling matches and, of course, constant giggling. —Matthew McClelland, 34

Audrey and Matthew have been married for seven years. Audrey’s parents have been married for 32 years; Matthew’s have been married for 36 years.

Carol and Phillip have been married for 29 years. Carol’s parents had been married for 52 years when her dad died; Phillip’s divorced after 13 years of marriage.

Kari and Mark have been married for nine years. Kari’s parents have been married for 43 years; Mark’s have been married for 45 years.

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