Mom's guide to a happy work-home balance

Who says you can't have it all? In their new book "Happy at Work, Happy at Home: The Girl's Guide to Being a Working Mom," authors Caitlin Friedman and Kimberly Yorio share their fresh perspectives on how working moms can balance their hectic schedules while still addressing their own needs. Read an excerpt:

Chapter 8: Traps we fall into

All of us reading, contributing, and writing this book have something in common. We are ambitious; perfection-seeking women who want to stand out at everything we attempt. We’re not saying we want to have it all. We’re saying we want, more than want, we expect to excel at everything we do. We’ve done well in school and in our careers. Now we’re having babies, so we’re going to be great mothers. And great partners to our significant others, too. The sad fact is we just can’t do it all well all the time. Sometimes something has to give — work, motherhood, marriage — choose one. And that’s what this chapter is all about — successfully navigating the negative traps to help us make better choices. Choices that will help us be better wives, mothers, and career girls. None of this is easy, and much of it is downright unpleasant. But forewarned is forearmed — and so we go ably forward and we offer some ways to avoid the five most common traps we fall into.

Trap #1: Vilifying and/or romanticizing stay-at-home moms
Sadly, there remains a lot of tension between stay-at-home moms and stay-working moms. For the working moms, the ones at home appear to be quickly going brain dead, more interested in The Backyardigans than Baghdad. For the moms at home, the ones heading into offices each morning seem selfish and shallow, more interested in their careers and mani/pedis than their children.

Sigh.

Why the passing of all this judgment? Could it be because none of us are 100 percent satisfied with our decision and secretly wonder if we got it wrong? Could it be because some of us wish we could have a little more choice in the matter — we work because we need the money, and many of us stay home because it’s cheaper than child care?

Does jealousy contribute to the great divide? The stay-at-home mom longs for what she thinks is a more stimulating environment while the working mom longs for more quality time with her children? There is also a whole lot of projecting going on. We had one interviewee tell us that she has been “envious of stay-at-home moms because they seem to build in more socialization time for themselves and their children, have time for exercising and hobbies and have done a good job of building support systems and staying connected.”

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When we first read this answer we immediately thought of a handful of women who have, in fact, figured out how to have it all while on the clock at home, but then we remembered the other 95 percent who were just as confused about the choice to opt out. You see, there is no one-size-fits-all solution to getting what you want out of life while being a great parent, spouse, friend, daughter, colleague, employer, and employee.

Whatever the reasons for the rift that keeps on growing, we simply don’t appreciate how difficult it is for all of us. We all know how hard it is to be at home with children. They take an enormous amount of energy, time, and attention. It’s exhausting and depleting in a way that work just isn’t. On the other hand, working while parenting is as challenging but in a different way. When you work and parent you are managing two different lives, each with relationships and responsibilities. You can’t let anyone down because the stakes are so high.

What we have in common is this: Both of our jobs (don’t kid yourself that running a household and parenting full-time is anything but a job) require us to put others first. So rather than beat each other up about what we’re not and what we should be, let’s support one another. It may make all of our lives a little easier because the truth is we’re actually not that different. It’s time we appreciated that and united.

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Relationships with other parents are important, whether they work or stay at home. Other mothers could have the answers you are looking for when it comes to how to get your child to sleep before midnight, or how to get him to eat carrots. Why do you want to rule out a huge chunk of the population as a potential resource or friend just because she made a different personal choice than you? Not only can you meet lifelong friends on the playground, but one working mom we spoke to told us that she relies on stay-at-home moms because they “are so helpful with school and practice drop-offs or pick-ups if you can’t get off of work in time.” Although, don’t take too much advantage, this is exactly the kind of scenario that leads to resentment. Lorraine Nellis tells us that “Maintaining friendships with other parents is a great way to know what your kids are doing at all times.”

Like politics and religion, working moms versus stay-at-home moms is a topic often best left out of discussion at a dinner party. Unfortunately, each side has clung to their distinct and divergent view, leaving little room for any gray area or respectful discourse. We’d like to try and change that; we’d like all moms to start focusing on our similarities and not our differences. Maybe there won’t ever be a truce (though we can hope), but can there be a little more understanding? Civility and consideration can go a long way in this world. There is no one way to parent a child. In other words — in case we haven’t driven the point home yet — all stay-at-home moms are not the same and all working mothers are not the same. The choices do not define the woman and they shouldn’t pigeonhole others’ opinions of them. But it often does and the debate gets heated and women end up skewering one another instead of supporting one another.

In the end, does it make you feel more confident as a mother, better about your working situation, superior to the woman who has the different life?

No. So what’s the point?

For a little light on the situation, we go to Oprah. On her show, women took part in a heated and often nasty debate about the choices they and those around them had made. But the results of an Oprah.com poll, in which more than fifteen thousand women (working mothers and stay-at-home mothers) responded, show the divide might not be as great as we think.

From stay- at- home moms:

Do stay-at-home moms get the respect they deserve?

5 percent — Yes

85 percent — No

Do you wish you worked?

36 percent — Yes

64 percent — No

Overall, are you satisfied with the job you are doing as a parent?

80 percent — Yes

20 percent — No

Would you describe your children as happy?

97 percent — Yes

3 percent — No

Is it possible to give 100 percent to motherhood and a career?

71 percent — Yes

29 percent — No

From working moms:

Do stay-at-home moms get the respect they deserve?

17 percent — Yes

83 percent — No

Would you quit to stay home if you could?

66 percent — Yes

34 percent — No

Overall, are you satisfied with the job you are doing as a parent?

71 percent — Yes

29 percent — No

Would you describe your children as happy?

93 percent — Yes

7 percent — No

Is it possible to give 100 percent to motherhood and a career?

61 percent — Yes

39 percent — No

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