The best and worst moms on television

FOX

Look, if you’d had three kids — a burgeoning genius, a classic troublemaker and a baby who didn’t talk — who spent 20 years never growing up, you’d know what kind of saint Marge Simpson is.

She may be something of a helicopter mom to Maggie, but on the rare occasions where she’s tried being a little more hands-off (as when Bart was caught shoplifting) the kids all come crying back to her long green dress for support.

Words to live by: “The way I see it, if you can raise three kids who can knock out and hog-tie a perfect stranger, you must be doing something right.”

Bill Records  /  NBC

Though “FNL” is turning off the lights (its fifth and final season premiered in April), Tami was a mama not to be forgotten. She had so much maternal instinct she couldn’t leave it at home, working as a high-school guidance counselor. (She got a bump up to principal, but eventually went back to counseling.) Connie also had enough compassion to overcome an initial distrust for one of her daughter’s friends and eventually became a mentor to the wayward young lady.

Words to live by: “The big deal is it’s part of my job to make sure that you don’t grow up stupid. It’s bad for the world.”

Jeffrey Neira  /  CBS

First and foremost, the title of the show tells us she’s someone’s wife — actually the long-suffering wife of a politician who cheated on her and went to jail. But Alicia treats children Zach and Grace like the young adults they are becoming, listening carefully to their concerns, then offering advice or a reprimand in a centered, thoughtful tone.

When Grace dabbled in religion, peppering her mother with disapproval, Alicia coolly offered her the Bible, suggesting they have a conversation once Grace knew what she was talking about.

Words to live by: “You don’t supervise my kids spontaneously. You don’t take them to prison. You don’t just try and phone me. You phone me. You respect me as a mother or you leave!”

Ron Tom  /  ABC

It ain’t easy to be a loving mama of four when you’re a desperate housewife, but Lynette has somehow made it work after years of ups and downs.

She may have once purloined her kids’ ADD medication for herself, but she did take in the child from her husband’s one-night stand, and still managed to be the strong parent in the family even while undergoing cancer treatment. A new mom again, Lynette’s troubles are far from over, but she will no doubt continue to be a shining example of suburban motherhood.

Words to live by: “If any of you acts up, so help me, I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas! Are you willing to risk that?”

Adam Larkey  /  ABC

Settle down. Yes, Cameron is not a traditionally gendered mother. But as the stay-at-home parent in a loving partnership, he is without a doubt the maternal half of the pair that is bringing up their adopted daughter, Lily.

He has high hopes for her future stage career, loves dressing her up and is not averse to writing a song to teach a lesson (as when lil’ Lily took to chomping on people). Plus, who wouldn’t want a mom who can double as a clown?

Words to live by: “Take a bite of an apple / Take a bite of a pear / Take a bite of a cookie that you left over there / But there is one thing you should never do / Is take a bite of Billy or Brandon or Sue / People aren’t food / People aren’t food / They won’t play with you / If they think they're going to be chewed / And on a side note, private parts are private.”

Mark Seliger  /  Showtime

She’s a take-no-prisoners nursing whiz at the hospital and a fiercely protective mother of two (Grace and Fiona). She’ll go head-to-head with anyone (including teachers) who questions whether her daughters are doing OK, but she’s also battling a hidden (mostly) and serious pill addiction, even keeping her home stash in the holiday decorations box.

On the one hand, she’s not an evil parent, but when you’re hitting the drugs this hard, it’s difficult to be a fully present one. And right now, she’s the one in need of a doctor.

Words to live by: “There are good lies and there are bad lies. It’s a little complicated.”

AMC

Betty is like all moms, doing the best she knows how. But the thing is, Betty’s “best” is pretty sad. She largely pawns off raising her children on the housekeeper (whom she abruptly fired for letting her daughter say goodbye to an off-limits friend) or sends the children off to watch TV when they become troublesome. (This explains how little Sally ended up watching a monk torch himself on the small screen.)

Words to live by: “I keep thinking ... not that I could have killed the kids, but ... worse, Sally could have survived and gone on living with this horrible scar on her face, and some long, lonely, miserable life.”

Helen Sloan  /  HBO

She’s a newcomer to TV, but Cersei has been making people’s lives miserable for years. For one thing, she’s sleeping with her twin brother behind her husband (the king’s) back. And if you think that doesn’t have repercussions on the children she’s birthed, think again.

She’ll do anything to retain power, including defending her son Joffrey, who recently went from mere teen brat to sadist, all too willing to torment the weak and lie to get his way.

Words to live by: “Everyone who isn’t us is an enemy.”

True, Lucy isn’t actually with us anymore. Her brief, two-episode role was merely to bed Jimmy Chance in the back of his van, get pregnant, get thrown in jail for her crimes and get executed.

But she’s a bad mother not just for those reasons, but because the Chance family (who are more paper airplane than helicopter when it comes to looking after kids) is hardly the model of great parenthood. Jimmy is doing his best, but Lucy couldn’t have possibly known that. Still, in the long run baby Hope is probably better off.

Words to live by: Nothing, really — as Lucy is no longer with the living.

Jordin Althaus  /  Showtime

No one could accuse Tara of absentee parenting — perhaps just the opposite. Her kids Max and Kate are actually being raised by any one of her many personalities (she suffers from dissociative identity disorder), including housewife Alice, macho Buck and a 5-year-old named Chicken. It’s got to be pretty disorienting for a kid to not know who’s making your sandwiches each morning.

Tara once had her multiple personalities under control, but then opted to go off the medicine. That might be good for her, but surely must be a challenge for her kids.

Words to live by: “Kate, I know you aren’t fond of me, but I’m concerned about your development as a young woman, just like your mother. You’re promiscuous. You aren’t guarding your flower.”

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Randee Dawn is a freelance writer based in New York, and was born with a remote control in her hand. She is the co-author of “The Law & Order: SVU Unofficial Companion.”