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Q: I can’t have an orgasm during intercourse. My husband wants me to so badly it is ruining our sex life. How do I cope with this?
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A: First, you and your husband should know a very important fact on this sometimes awkward-to-discuss subject: Only about one woman in four can have an orgasm from straightforward, missionary-position intercourse. So you are not alone. In fact, you are in the majority!
It’s a myth that only a really sexy woman can have an orgasm through penetration alone and that a really great lover can make this happen. That is simply not how women are made. There is nothing wrong with either of you.
The mechanism that triggers an orgasm in women is complex. Though the whole genital area is sensitive, it’s the clitoris — not the vagina — that is the most responsive.
True, there is an area of the vagina, often called the G-spot, stimulation of which can lead to a climax. However, for most women stimulation of the clitoris is the most reliable way to trigger an orgasm. This might come as a by-product of intercourse — from peripheral stimulation during coitus — but it is something that rarely comes from thrusting alone.
If you are motivated to try having an orgasm during intercourse, there are positions that make it easier. For example, the woman-on-top position lets you be more in control of the pressure on your clitoris. And it lets either you or your husband easily reach your clitoris for manual stimulation.
It sounds rather like your husband thinks he is somehow letting you down (and that, maybe, you are letting him down). Give him positive reinforcement, not criticism. There are many ways to make love — foreplay, manual stimulation, oral stimulation — and you are shortchanging yourselves if you focus excessively on this one goal.
After all, the timing of your orgasm might not matter to you at all. If so, let your husband know what you do like and what does work, while tactfully telling him that his insistence is making it even harder for you.
Dr. Gail Saltz is a psychiatrist with New York Presbyterian Hospital and a regular contributor to “Today.” Her new book, “Becoming Real: Overcoming the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back,” was recently published by Riverhead Books. For more information, you can visit her Web site, www.drgailsaltz.com.
PLEASE NOTE: The information in this column should not be construed as providing specific medical or psychological advice, but rather to offer readers information to better understand their lives and health. It is not intended to provide an alternative to professional treatment or to replace the services of a physician, psychiatrist or psychotherapist. Copyright ©2004 Dr. Gail Saltz. All rights reserved.
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