Girl, 5, says her stay-at-home mom is ‘boring’

Q: My 5-year-old daughter says she doesn’t want to grow up. She will “just have to do chores all day and that’s boring.” This hit me hard. I’m wondering whether I’m a bad role model for my daughter and what I can do about it.

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I have two older kids, boys aged 9 and 12. I have a graduate degree but have been a stay-at-home mom. I was happy with that for many years, but now I’m feeling stuck and resentful. I’m afraid my attitude and choices are badly affecting my daughter.

Our family is busy with school, sports and scouts. I do all the housework, laundry, cooking and driving to keep everything running smoothly.

I would like the boys do more, but they have little downtime. It just adds stress for me to nag them about chores, so I do everything myself.

I have a dream of someday returning to school and pursuing an interest in psychology. But it seems overwhelming to juggle my family’s needs with my own job or schoolwork. I don’t know how to get out of this rut. Can you give me some advice?

A: Women have more options than ever before. That’s both good news and bad news. Choosing means you must deal with the forgone opportunity of what you didn’t choose.

Being a good role model, however, has less to do with what you choose and more to do with choosing that which brings you pride and satisfaction.

Caught in a circle
First of all, your little girl is 5, an age when children recognize that being a grownup is different from being a child. That difference involves jobs and responsibilities. This kind of awareness is normal and doesn’t necessarily mean she is making a value judgment about you.

On the other hand, a 5-year-old notices that some people like what they do and some don’t. It’s normal for her, at this developmental stage, to express her thoughts and fears about growing up. (And you should let her do this.)

The most likely scenario here is a mixture of both of these, plus this: You may have over-interpreted your daughter’s comment because of your own feelings. You hear her say, “I don’t want to turn into you,” because you’re thinking, “I don’t want to be me, either.”

This, of course, brings it full-circle. It’s very possible that your daughter is reacting to your despair. You are in some way communicating the idea that motherhood means being a suffering martyr.

If you were conveying the attitude that you were content with your identity and your role as a mother, you probably wouldn’t be reacting so strongly to her comment. In addition, she would probably be expressing something less harsh-sounding. As I said, it’s a circle.

How to break the circle
Often, women who choose full-time motherhood, regardless of how much they enjoy it, still want outside satisfactions and challenges. You are entitled to that.

But saying that you are too busy with motherhood can be an excuse. People make time for what is important to them. It’s not an easy juggling act, and I empathize. I, too, have children.

But it’s somewhat of a cop-out to claim you can’t address your own needs because you will somehow be penalizing your family. In fact, your children may even experience guilt as a result of your obvious feelings that you are sacrificing yourself for them.

Reading between the lines (and readers should know that this letter gives more detail than we are publishing here), you crave an identity in addition to that of mother and wife. I suggest you reconfigure your time and relinquish some of that uber-control over your family. You don’t have to do everything. It’s fine to cut corners.

So what if supper is take-out pizza or the kids occasionally are late for their scout meeting or they wear yesterday’s socks? The sky won’t fall. For all you know, the kids are champing at the bit for more freedom than you allow them.

And showing the boys how to help with the chores teaches them responsibility, which they should be learning at this age. Let them learn that unless they help with the laundry they will be wearing those dirty socks. Reward them for doing chores.

Organize a carpool for the kids. Hire someone to do the housework. The point is that there are ways to free yourself up and lessen your resentment. What your family loses in organization, it gains in a more fulfilled mother.

You don’t have to dive in with a full-time job or course of study. Start with volunteer work, a part-time job or just one class.

Others have coped successfully with your dilemma. If you are overdosing on motherhood, there are ways to fit those important things into your life and let less important ones go. This is what your children should be learning.

Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: Being a good role model to your children involves loving what you do, whatever that is.

Dr. Gail Saltz is a psychiatrist with New York Presbyterian Hospital and a regular contributor to “Today.” Her first book, “Becoming Real: Overcoming the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back,” was published in 2004 by Riverhead Books. It will be available in a paperback version in June 2005. Her latest book, "Amazing You," helps parents deal with preschoolers' questions about sex and reproduction. It will be published in May 2005.  For more information, you can visit her Web site,www.drgailsaltz.com.

PLEASE NOTE: The information in this column should not be construed as providing specific medical or psychological advice, but rather to offer readers information to better understand their lives and health. It is not intended to provide an alternative to professional treatment or to replace the services of a physician, psychiatrist or psychotherapist. Copyright ©2005 Dr. Gail Saltz. All rights reserved.