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Every man who cheats basically follows the same script, according to Elizabeth Landers and Vicky Mainzer, the authors of "The Script: The 100 Percent Absolutely Predictable Things Men Do When They Cheat." They criticize you, tell you that you have problems and need to see a professional. They may encourage you to take a class, go to the gym or be more independent, or they buy you extravagant gifts for no special occasion and tell you they would never cheat on you. They start to work out, work late, go in early and set all their ducks in a row. The authors, who were invited on "Today" to discuss their new book, give example after example of marriages broken up as a result of infidelity. Read an excerpt.
Overture
Only the percussionist is present in the orchestra pit below the stage and the drum roll is barely audible, nearly drowned out by the sounds of everyday life outside the theater. It’s so low that you pay no attention. You don’t even hear the loud, rapid roll that usually comes at the end, presaging something important to come. You’re paying more attention to the sound of a violin and a flute, and a very mellifluous and soothing tenor rising above.
This tenor is singing: “I Would Never Do That.”
Scene 1: “I Would Never Do That”
Sharon and Nick are leaving Nick’s company’s office reception when Sharon asks her husband, “Where did Jackie get that diamond bracelet? She couldn’t possibly buy such an expensive piece of jewelry on her secretary’s salary. She told me it came from Tiffany’s, but of course I couldn’t ask her how she got it.”
Nick answers, “Oh, I know how she got it. Don, the senior VP you met a few months ago, gave it to her. They’re having an affair.”
Sharon thinks for a second and then says, “But Don’s married, isn’t he? Didn’t I meet his wife, Joan? How do you know they’re having an affair?”
“I could just tell,” Nick says.
“My gosh. What goes on!” Sharon exclaims.
“Yeah, it’s not a good scene all around. I tell you, I would never do that to you.”
We have found that almost every woman who finds out that she has an unfaithful husband remembers her husband saying several years before, “I Would Never Do That,” while commenting disapprovingly on a man who has just been unfaithful.
This line in the script gives you no sense that anything might be amiss. Only in hindsight (unless you’ve read this book and can be alert to it as it’s happening) will you see that this was the moment he began sending signals that he was alert to other possibilities, to other ways to act out his life.
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Stories from
At the time, your reaction is the opposite of suspicion. You are grateful and reassured that your husband is so completely different. You think, “He really understands how wrong it is to cheat. How wonderful to be married to someone who can see how immoral this is. I am really proud to be married to a man who is so upstanding.”
You feel sympathy for Don’s wife and a little glee at hearing the latest gossip. Then you put the whole story out of your mind—it’s just another story of someone else’s misfortune.
Nancy and Jim are straightening up after dinner when Nancy says to Jim, “Say, how’s Paul? I was thinking of him today when someone mentioned artists who then go on to tech jobs. You haven’t mentioned him in a while.”
“Oh, Paul,” Jim responds. “I guess he thinks he’s a bohemian again. He just left Kathy and the kids and moved in with his secretary. She must be twenty years younger than he is.”
“What?” Nancy stares at him. “Kathy’s so sweet and they have the greatest kids. They’ve been married a long time. His secretary? How could he do that?”
Jim shakes his head. “No, it’s not right and it’s making things very awkward in the office. I would never do that.”
You feel lucky to have a husband who is so much better than other men, a husband who is completely faithful and caring, who lives by what he believes in. You think, “That could never happen to me with a man as virtuous and devoted as my husband. I can put that worry totally out of my mind, thank goodness.”
This is a very natural reaction on your part, and it may be just the one he wants you to have. He is thinking that what Paul has done sounds appealing. But if he criticizes Paul, the last thing that would occur to you, now or in the future, is that your own husband might be open to cheating. By assuring you he would never do that, he has thrown you off his track.
Scene 2: “You Need to See a Psychiatrist”
Maggie is sitting at the kitchen table going over the checkbook, and staring at the remodeling books the contractor has just brought over. Joe comes in from outside, looks at her, and says, “You’re depressed. You need to see a psychiatrist.”
“Need to see a psychiatrist? What do you mean?”
“I mean you need to see a psychiatrist. Look at you sitting hunched over all that paper, fixated on all those picture books. You can’t seem to make any decisions. That’s depressed.”
“I don’t feel depressed. I’m just trying to get some of this paperwork done and figure out what to do with the kitchen.”
“Have it your way then, but I’m telling you, you need help.”
Maggie feels insulted and confused. “Why would anyone think balancing the checkbook and looking at remodeling ideas is acting depressed? Did he read about depressed women somewhere? Did someone else tell him I seem depressed? He seems so definite about it and so critical. He’s sort of saying that if I don’t realize it and don’t seek help then I’m even worse off than I realize. He’s telling me I don’t want to be the best I can be, and he won’t love me anymore if I don’t try to be the best I can be. Maybe I should go see a psychiatrist. But then again, I don’t feel depressed.”
He’s building a case, though not consciously. It’s the same case he’ll use later—even though he doesn’t even know there will be a later. It may be years before he presents the final summation.
He’s following the script. He’s heard men play out all these scenes many times, and he has learned this is a good way to begin. Casting you as the sick, depressed, and troubled one gets the audience in the right mood to understand and applaud the rest of the play, especially his character: the good guy. He’s beginning to set up the contrasts between you and him. Later, when the news breaks, the stage will be set so that people who would ordinarily cast him as the villain will do just the opposite. They’ll say, “He’s done his best to get along with a crazy, depressed woman and has given her every chance to get help. But she refused to get better.” He’s the good guy. You’re the problem.
Watch this man act.
The “Director”
The “director” sums up the essence of the Script. He is the little voice in every man’s head. The director passes the story down from generation to generation, always adapting it to the mores of the times.
Carl and Bill are walking out to the parking lot after a long day’s work.
“She’s crazy, out of control. The doctor even says so. When I was in for my checkup I was telling him that if I just want to spend a couple of nights out with the guys she’s all up in arms, asking me why I’m not home more. She wants me home all the time. She’s always wanting me to go places with the kids. She’s out of control.”
Carl just listens as Bill lets loose with all his problems at home.
“I thought all along she was unbalanced. I knew Dr. Feller would agree with me. Sure enough, he says she needs help.”
Before our man starts his speaking part, he has to get into the right frame of mind. The script has even taught him the thoughts that will accomplish this. He’s thinking to himself, “I’m a good person. I’m doing all the right things to make her happy. She’s still not happy. Therefore there’s something really wrong with her.” The director has told him to keep playing these thoughts over and over in his head so that later on his spoken lines will carry real feeling.
If he were reciting his real feelings aloud now and listening to what he was saying, that would mean recognizing he has some problems and that he might have to ask for help in addressing them. Not easy for our man. Many men find this difficult, so they make you the problem.
He has also started talking to others because he cares about the court of world opinion. You’re upside-down crazy, and he’s upright. Whatever he does in the future, he has already colored you in a very convenient light.
The Wagners and their neighbors are having a last cup of coffee after their annual Labor Day picnic, when Flo Wagner says, “Did you know that the Goldens are having problems? I heard they just can’t get along. What do you think it is?”
“I’ll tell you what it is. He should send her to see a psychiatrist,” her neighbor Rick says.
Flo hears this and thinks to herself that maybe Nancy Golden is a little erratic. Maybe Rick is right and Nancy’s husband should get her to a shrink.
Men have learned the script so well that a man who doesn’t even know the couple immediately suggests that the husband should send his wife to a shrink. Other women can be pulled along too, becoming convinced that the wife is the source of the problem because she is unbalanced.
Gaslight
This is the most extreme example we’ve ever heard of to make the wife think she’s crazy. It’s just like the movie with Ingrid Bergman.
Teresa pulls up to the gas pump, takes out her wallet, and reaches for her credit card. But the spot where she always keeps it is empty. The card is not there. She thinks to herself, “Where is it? What happened to it?
Could I have left it at the grocery yesterday? I’ll just pay cash and figure out what I did with the card when I get home.”
That evening, Teresa mentions to her husband, Hal, that she can’t find her credit card. Hal tells her she’s careless, totally disorganized, and really has to pull herself together. He says, “Call the bank, get another card, and please don’t lose it again.”
When Teresa takes out her wallet at the florist a couple of weeks later she is horrified to discover again that she can’t find her credit card. She is forced to leave without the flowers and feels embarrassed and foolish for having lost her card a second time. That night she tells Hal what happened and he says, “Teresa, what’s the matter with you? You can’t seem to do anything right.”
When Teresa finds her card missing a third time she thinks she must be losing her mind. Exactly what Hal intended.
Hal had been going into Teresa’s purse and taking the card with the intention of making her think she was falling apart. She found out what Hal was doing when she happened to walk in just as Hal was about to go into her purse the next time.
However he sets it up to tell you you’re depressed, crazy, out of control, or falling to pieces, the goal is the same: He’s trying to make you the problem.
The foregoing is excerpted from "The Script: The 100 Percent Absolutely Predictable Things Men Do When They Cheat," by Elizabeth Landers and Vicki Mainzer. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced without written permission from Hyperion Publishers.
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